


i am your escape

by aizensosuke



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Communication, Falling In Love, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Other, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Sharing a Bed, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-05-12 20:22:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 33,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19236433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aizensosuke/pseuds/aizensosuke
Summary: juha back's life has been a pathway of stepping stones leading to his eventual position as head of his father's company until he finds himself falling for jugram haschwalth, who shuns responsibility and duty to live his own life. combine this with a remote holiday getaway and the prospect of having to share a bed, and there may just be a christmas miracle in the works.





	1. Chapter 1

Juha Bach has never had control over any aspect of his life.

Born into a rich family whose wealth primarily came from the world of business means he is expected to excel at a young age academically, stepping over each obstacle placed in his path to ensure his place in the world. His schooling takes place in only the most respected establishments and he often came home to a tutor prepared to nudge him further along the academic path. Most of his childhood was spent by his father’s side, learning the ins and outs of business before he stepped onto his high school campus for the first time.

The firm length of the bow in his hand and the pull in his shoulder when he draws back the string, eyes focused on the target before him… This belongs solely to him.

There is satisfaction in the spring of the string, the arrow slicing through the air in a clean line and sticking firmly in the circle of wood. A bull’s eye. When studying grows tedious and he finds himself restless, Juha comes here and practices. His place on the archery team is only guaranteed by skill, and no amount of money can buy a good score.

Around him there is only silence; the hour is late and he is only here because the archery team has special permission to practice at such late hours to ensure their national average is still the highest. Juha likes the quiet. He gets along well enough with the rest of his team but he likes it when he finds himself alone with just his bow and the target in front of him, likes the squeak of his sneakers on the floor beneath his feet as he walks the length of the room to retrieve his arrow.

There are more, of course, but he needs to stretch his legs. Not just his arms.

He glances up when he hears footsteps just the same, head tilted toward the sound. During the winter months, several teams have to share the gymnasium and its various rooms with one another, and November has been especially harsh. Just the same, he cannot recall ever hearing another student here at such a late hour.

When he checks his phone, the screen confirms it is half past two in the morning.

“Hello?” he calls out, voice tentative, finger hovering over the emergency call button visible on his phone screen. If there is someone who is not meant ot be here—

“I did hear someone.” The voice is distant but slowly, a figure appears on the balcony above him, broad shoulders swathed in equal parts shadow and light as he leans over the railing to look down. A pale gold ponytail slips over his shoulder, hanging there. “It’s awfully late.”

Jugram Haschwalth. Juha knows the face of the school’s most graceful and poised fencer, as do most of the athletes here. “You’re here this late, so it must not be too concering.”

“What can I say? I’ve always been a bit of a night owl.” Because of the quiet, Jugram does not need to project his voice for Juha to hear him despite the distance between them. It feels oddly intimate, and that makes him uncomfortable. “I suppose we must never have run into each other at this time of night. Bit of a missed connection perhaps.”

Juha shrugs a shoulder and plucks his arrow free of the target, brushing a splinter of wood from the tip. “I suppose so. Did you happen to want something?”

“No. I was just coming to see what I was hearing, really.” Jugram props an elbow on the railing, resting his chin in the cup of his palm. With the way the light plays across the sharpness of his cheekbones, he is even more handsome than usual. “You and As are friends, yes? They’ve been telling us all about you recently.”

Of course they have. “Yes, we’re friends. I’ve been too busy to do much outside of texting them and seeing them at the meetings, but it’s the best I can do right now.”

“I’m the last person you need to make excuses to. We have a few things in common, after all.” The angle is severe, but Juha thinks the smile on Jugram’s face is more bitter than it is sweet. “Star athletes, excellent students, the sons of business moguls… No, I understand. I think it does As good to have someone they can talk to.”

Ah, of course. The meeting where As and Juha first crossed paths is specifically for trans students who need a safe space in which to get to know each other, discuss their specific struggles, and lend a shoulder to one another. If As has talked about him at all, it would be in the context of… That is fine. Juha is  _ not _ ashamed no matter what the voice eating at the back of his skull insists upon as it claws its way into his conscious mind.

“Everyone needs someone. That’s one of the functions of the community, after all.” Juha rolls his shoulder. The muscles there are growing sore with the continued practice.

“You mind if I come down?” Jugram asks, tone light and casual, though the offer has Juha tensing up just the same, shoulders tight. “Or I can leave you be if you prefer.”

What could he want? “I don’t mind. You obviously came here with something in mind.”

“You’ve caught me red-handed.” Jugram’s smile is crooked as he lifts his hands, palms out, and then disappears from the railing as he no doubt makes his way to the stairs that lead down from the balcony track that rings the top of the gymnasium.

The two of them have never met in an official capacity, though Juha is aware that their families have been at the same function more than once. Well, they  _ had _ been. Once his father fell ill and grew steadily worse, there were no more functions to worry about, only schooling and how quickly he would be slotted into a leadership position should his father’s condition not improve. Given the fact the man has been in a coma since Juha was fourteen years old, he doubts there is much that can be done to save him.

Jugram Haschwalth is in a similar position, though an uncle stands between him and the company his family has built from the ground up. Whether he wants the position or not is lost on Juha. Needless to say, he has his own issues to be wrapped up in these days.

“My apologies if it seemed as though I was attempting to sneak up on you.” In person, Jugram is just as tall and handsome as he is from a distance; Juha has watched the fence meets, more curious than anything else. “I only wanted to speak to you in person about something because it seems that As will continuously shy away from asking you.”

_ Asking me what, I wonder? _ Juha can only guess. “What have they wanted to ask me?”

“We share the same group of friends. Their boyfriend, Cang Du, was our mutual friend before dragging As into the group properly.” When Jugram stops in front of him, Juha is taken aback by his physical appearance, but refuses to show it. He lifts his chin instead. “We’re going away for the holidays. Skiing up north. We’re renting a cabin.”

“So they won’t be around for the holidays? They could have just told me. I don’t mind.” They can probably text back and forth no matter where As goes on a trip, anyway.

Jugram’s nose wrinkles slightly before he smoothes out his expression, though Juha notices the way the corner of his mouth twitches. Is he amused? “No, they won’t be, but that’s not what they were going to tell you. They were going to extend the invitation.”

“Excuse me?” The question comes out flat and Jugram blinks down at him, a delicate flutter of pale golden lashes. They softly frame the most beautiful eyes Juha has ever seen on another man, bright and green and vibrant like the very concept of spring captured in a singular set of shades. “I’m sorry. I’m not one for winter sports.”

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. The invitation was for you to spend some time with the rest of us. Get out of your dorm for a while,” Jugram says.

It must have been As’s idea to invite him in the first place; they seem to pick up on far too much too quickly for Juha’s taste, making it difficult to build any effective shields to keep them at bay. Had they figured out he would be alone for the holidays considering he has built exactly zero lasting relationships with anyone else on campus? It is likely. Juha certainly would not put it past them considering how quickly they discerned that he was a loner who spent his time ferrying back and forth between school and the hospital.

His prolonged silence earns him a smile from the man standing in front of him. “Are you trying to figure out how to talk your way out of going?”

“What makes you think that?” Juha sets his bow down firmly on the ground, leaning it against his thigh as he flexes his fingers. Yes, he will have to call it a night or risk his hands being too sore tomorrow. “I already told you that I don’t really want to go.”

“You said you didn’t like winter sports, not that you weren’t interested.” Jugram’s smile widens, as if he considers this a sure victory on his part.

His lips are distracting, full and soft-looking to the touch. Juha has noticed them before; his gaze strays far too often when he watches the fenceres, and Jugram makes it hard to focus on anything when his position is perfect, every step measured and paced. He personifies grace and poise. All of this would have been enough to ruin Juha’s entire life even before being paired with a face lovely enough to make angels cry in envy.

“I’m not interested.” Juha ignores the way his face falls at the words, brushing past him so he can put away his bow, shower off the sweat, and go back to his dorm for the night.

“Do you ever get tired of it?” Jugram asks him, and Juha pauses, not sparing a glance over his shoulder. Not for this. “Being exactly what you have to be. Getting perfect grades, making sure every important person you speak to has at least one nice thing to say about you, dressing your best if you happen to be in the public eye? I know I do.”

Juha tilts his head back and sighs softly. “Of course I do. I don’t have a choice.”

“I’m offering you a short break from all of that. We’re going somewhere remote and quiet. Pure peace and solitude if you want it.” He can hear Jugram walking closer to him and does not know if he likes this or not. If he would want him to keep his distance. “No studying, no books, no professors, no people. You can just relax with the rest of us.”

“Why does it matter so much to you? Last I checked, I’m acquainted with  _ one _ of your friends.” And admittedly,  _ acquainted _ is the proper term. He and As rarely have time to spend together other than when they meet at their little group.

He can feel Jugram hovering just behind him and, against his better judgment, looks back at him. There is some comfort in knowing that he doesn’t have to look too far up to meet those bright green eyes. “As wants you to come with us and is far worse at negotiation than I am. I told them I’d make sure you agreed to come with us.”

“You’re both the worst.” Juha pinches the bridge of his nose. “It isn’t my scene, you know. Cabins in the remote mountains. Isn’t that asking to get yourselves killed?”

Jugram laughs. The sound is like sunlight, warm and bright and full. “We won’t go investigating any odd noises outside in the dark. No splitting up. Always lock the doors.”

“Barricade the windows,” Juha mutters, and Jugram hums in agreement. “That’s not an agreement. Why does As care? I would have thought they’d want the time with their boyfriend since the two of them have such busy schedules.”

“They’ll have it. But you’re important to them, too.” Jugram says this with a firmness that surprises Juha considering he has no reason to believe As cares  _ that _ much.

The way Jugram speaks, though, it is a sure thing. “I suppose I didn’t think about that.”

“It’s easy to be short-sighted when you aren’t used to having friends. I know what it’s like to focus on business connections instead.” Jugram stretches a hand out toward him and though Juha twitches, he does not try to stop him and finds himself with that hand resting heavy and hot on his shoulder a moment later. “You could use a break before you have a breakdown. I speak from experience. This life will kill you  _ far _ too early.”

Juha raises an eyebrow at him. “Speaking from experience again?”

“Maybe. Might not sound as convincing if I’m not actually dead, though.” Jugram squeezes his shoulder and Juha pointedly ignores the way his gut tightens at the feel of it. His fingers are strong, his hand large.  _ Much _ larger than Juha’s own; his jaw clenches at the thought before he forces it to relax. “Come with us. If anything, you can spend time with As since they’re not really one for winter sports either. They just like the cabin.”

So he is absolutely not going to let this go no matter what. Juha can see that now. “I’ll think about it. That’s the best answer I can give you.”

“You can give me a better answer than that. If I let you walk away now, you won’t decide at all, or you’ll just tell me no and give yourself time to come up with an excuse.” The playful smile at the edge of Jugram’s lips says this is likely a joke, but just the same…

Juha sighs and squeezes his eyes shut, then nudges Jugarm’s hand away from his shoulder. The difference in their fingers alone is upsetting. “I see. So I can’t get out of this.”

“You can. I just don’t want you refusing to come just so you can hole up here alone.” Jugram flexes his fingers for a moment before dropping his arm to his side. This time, his face is unreadable. “If you’re concerned about our friends, they’ll behave. You’re important to As, and all of us can kick Bazz’s ass should he get out of line.”

Frowning, Juha turns away from him. “Why, is there something I need to know about him?”

“He isn’t transphobic. He isn’t going to say a word about you.” Jugram’s voice takes on a lower, softer cast that Juha  _ hates _ on everyone else. “But it’s a reassurance if nothing.”

Juha knows  _ why _ he is insistently turning down this offer, and he feels childish for doing it. Some part of him should be thrilled to be standing in the half-darkness with Jugram’s soft, deep voice beseeching him to come along for this trip, spend some time together. It was something he wanted  _ so _ much at one point that he was nearly sick with wanting it, but he knows he needs to exercise  _ some _ self-control.

It isn’t going to happen. Thinking about it will not make it happen.

“Fine.” Maybe he’ll get lucky and get sick before the trip so he can skip it and not have to worry about  _ unfortunate  _ issues like having to share a cabin with Jugram Haschwalth. “As can text me what I’m supposed to bring with me, I suppose. Are we done now?”

“Of course. I was just about to head out.” Jugram brushes past him, and Juha can see his coat tossed over his shoulder. He hadn’t even noticed the first time. “Have a good night.”

He glances down at the arrow in his hand.  _ One more won’t hurt, and I need to get the frustration out of my system or risk going to bed like this. _

He takes proper stance, notches his arrow, and lets it fly. It hits the center of the target dead-on and he exhales, eyes falling shut. Perfect, as always.

“Impressive.” Jugram’s voice makes him jump and he whips his head around to see him watching, having not quite made it to the doors. “I’ve seen you during practice and in competition but always from a distance. Your form is as perfect as everyone says it is.”

The comment makes Juha’s face burn but he jerks his head back around, not willing to let Jugram see just how much the words have affected him. It means nothing and he knows this. Jugram is an athlete who can appreciate technique and form and practice just like any other, who knows the amount of work that must be put into such things. No more, no less, and Juha is an idiot for letting it get to him at all. He should know better.

“Practice makes perfect,” he says, crossing the floor to retrieve his arrow once more.

“So the old saying is true then.” Jugram is still there when he marches back to his starting position, his back pressed against the wall, a playful smile on his lips. “Good to know. Maybe one day I’ll have it down just as well as you do. Enjoy the rest of your night.”

He slips out the door and into the cold winter night, and Juha stares at his retreating back for a long moment. When he looks down, his knuckles are bleached white with just how tight he is gripping his bow.

How is he supposed to survive any length of time in close quarters with this man?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> obvious note here: his name is spelled "yhwach" in proper translations, i swear to god i know this. i'm only spelling it the wrong way to give him the benefit of having a first and last name in a story where he kind of needs those considering it's a modern au.
> 
> also he's trans because i said so. as nodt is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns, so please mind your comments when talking about them in this 'verse.
> 
> there's gonna be mentions of trans issues and such in this fic as a head's up, as well as, when it gets to that point, discussions of the child abuse jugram went thorugh that aligns with what happened in canon. i'll be tagging all that is appropriate in author's notes at the beginning of each chapter as necessary so that you don't have to walk in blind rather than creating a wall of text in the tags' section.
> 
> the rating will go up to explicit eventually as well.
> 
> stream "sanctuary" by joji.


	2. Chapter 2

Jugram Haschwalth is nothing if he is not prepared for all possible scenarios.

By the time he and Bazz are sitting with their legs dangling out of the side of his van, the back has been loaded and his younger brother strapped into the back seat while they wait for the last of their friends to arrive at his house. Travel accommodations were easy to figure out; Lille and Askin are already on their way up the mountain to make sure the way is clear, and Jugram is the only one of them with a hardy enough vehicle to justify taking up several people alongside all of their belongings. It would be easier managing just two cars.

He rubs his hands together as he looks toward the open garage door, the tips of his fingers picking up on the chill as a cool breeze wafts inside. “They should be here soon.”

Though he and Bazz could just sit in the car to keep the cold at bay, neither of them are particularly intelligent. That’s the only excuse he has for the way they’re sitting now, both of them sideways in their respective seats with their feet propped on the footholds and the doors wide open to let the winter chill in. Jugram has the driver’s seat considering he is going to be the one navigating the road while Bazz has the seat just behind him, keeping it warm for Cang Du. He’d already promised to sit in the back with Gremmy.

“When is  _ soon? _ ” As if on cue, Gremmy looks up from the game console in his hands, his expression disgruntled as he pushes a few locks of pale blond curls back off of his forehead. “You’ve been saying  _ soon _ for the last fifteen minutes.”

Bazz looks back at him, an eyebrow raised. “So you  _ can _ tell time when you’re on that thing.”

“It has a clock on it, genius.” Gremmy rolls his eyes as if Bazz is the dumbest person he knows, and Jugram hides a smile behind his headrest. “We’ve been waiting for  _ hours— _ ”

Jugram cuts him off. “We have been waiting for twenty minutes. Considering you’re going to be playing that game on the entire drive up, I don’t even know why you’re mad that you have to wait in the first place. It’s not as though you’re missing out on anything valuable.”

“I’m just tired of waiting.” Gremmy pouts at him before going back to his game.

“More like you’re getting just as keyed up as your brother is,” Bazz says, and Gremmy flips him off without even glancing up. He doesn’t need to; Jugram can see the flush in his cheeks glowing in the backlight of his game. “Oh wow, big gesture from a teenager.”

“You know what it’s like to be thirteen. You were that age once,” Jugram reminds him.

Bazz grins at him. “Yeah, but I was a hell of a lot cruder then. He  _ does _ know that As is taken, right? Cang Du sure as hell isn’t gonna step aside to make way for him.”

“Oh my God, shut  _ up _ ,” Gremmy groans, and both of them have a small laugh at his expense.

Despite how moderately embarrassing it can be when your kid brother has a crush on one of your friends, Jugram is glad that it could be something so innocent and so easy. As is an angel, one that he can trust to never harm Gremmy in any way while also never hurting him; teenage boys are emotionally fragile enough when it comes to that fledgling first love, especially when they happen to like someone far too old for them to ever think about pursuing seriously. Most kids would do far better with someone to let them down gently.

Jugram trusts As not to hurt Gremmy in any way. He would trust them with his brother’s life, and they know him well enough to know just how hard that trust is to earn.

The sound of tires on the driveway outside has Jugram perking up as he leans out of the van, recognizing Cang Du’s car in an instant. Though he wants to leap out immediately, he makes himself stay put until the car pulls up next to him and parks smoothly. Instead of turning the engine off, though, Cang Du rolls down his window. “Hey, this the right place?”

“You’re an idiot,” Jugram informs him, and Cang Du laughs as he shuts the engine off.

“He was pretending he didn’t know where we were going the entire time. The joke wore off quickly.” As is all grace and poise as per usual, dusting off their coat as they straighten up. It’s a long white coat that Jugram knows well, the large silver buttons glinting in the light of the garage. As always, they look stunningly put together. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

Shaking his head, Jugram finally steps out of his own vehicle. He always has an arm free to wrap around As’s shoulders for a quick squeeze every time they see each other. “You didn’t keep us waiting at all. I know the snow’s already falling. The drive wasn’t bad, I hope.”

“It was fine. It’s like, attractively snowy right now. Big white fluffy flakes.” As squeezes him around the waist with surprising strength given how slender they are. This close, they drop their voice so only Jugram can hear them. “Did Gremmy decide to come after all?”

Jugram rubs a hand up and down As’s back. “Of course he did. He’s in the back.”

“That’s good. I’ll sit in front of him so he can talk to me on the drive up, then.” As winks at him and Jugram laughs softly and nods, giving them one last squeeze before letting them go. It does Gremmy good to have someone in their group of friends he can talk to.

Cang Du already has the trunk of his car popped, pulling bags out. “Get the hell back here and help me. I’m not gonna be accused of messing up your precious organization system.”

“You better not,” Bazz warns. “You know how he gets if you put the bags in the wrong place. I swear to God, it’s the weirdest goddamn tic I’ve ever seen on a person.”

“Always trying to make me look bad for wanting to keep everything neat and tidy,” Jugram says, shooting Bazz a look at the returns, though he’s laughing around it, too.

Cang Du hands him three bags from the trunk of his car, and Jugram has been on trips with him and As long enough to know which two of the three belong to them and which one is, by extent, Juha’s. He tries not to think too much about that because it makes him a freak if he does, carefully tucking everything into its place before he shuts the back hatch of the van. Nothing is going to roll around or get knocked about as they head up the mountain, that much he’s sure of. Means nothing valuable will get damaged.

They’re just  _ dramatic _ about the fact he wants to keep their possessions safe.

In his attempt to seem as normal about all of this as possible, Jugram manages to miss Juha stepping out of Cang Du’s car, though he does see him when he comes back around. He looks… Lovely, as always, and Jugram kicks himself for even thinking that alone.  _ You don’t even know if he likes you. Stop thinking about him like that until you do. _

It’s impossible, though. Jugram’s life had been a living hell of monochrome, steel, and glass before Juha Bach’s entry into their university shattered his preconceived notions into chunks of vibrantly colored glass. And on that note, maybe he should have gone after that creative writing degree even if it was going to piss off his grandparents.

“What’s the seating chart for this trip?” Juha asks, hands fiddling nervously with the buttons on his coat. It’s long and black and somewhat form-fitting, and Jugram notices definitely not for the first time how nice his shoulders look in black.

“You can sit anywhere you want to but the driver’s seat,” Jugram says, forcing himself to brush past the other boy on his way to the front. “That’s my seat for this trip.”

Bazz stretches his arms over his head before clambering into the back of the van, dropping down beside Gremmy. “I’m gonna chill back here with kiddo ‘cause I’m sleeping on the trip. Fucked up and stayed up all night watching Netflix, you know how it goes.”

“Where do you want to sit?” As asks, and the way their hand lights on Juha’s shoulder is so gentle and easy. They’re trying so hard to make him feel comfortable with them.

Jugram almost wishes Lille was here because he is the master of making people feel comfortable no matter where they are, but also fuck that because he absolutely does not want any competition and there is no way Lille, the most attractive and welcoming and warmest man he knows, is not  _ the _ pinnacle of competition. How can he still be single?

Juha sighs and tips his head back. “I don’t know. I don’t really care. Shotgun, I guess.”

_ Oh? _ Jugram tries not to let that bother him, tries to ignore the little thrill he gets at the thought of Juha sitting next to him for the drive. He’d get to spend actual time with him so soon, and even if it’s in the car… So be it. He can take that for what it is right now.

“Shotgun it is.” As pats him on the shoulder before pulling themself up into the van, taking one of the two seats in the middle, the one right in front of Gremmy. Naturally, Cang Du sits next to them, and Jugram doesn’t miss the way he holds out his hand for theirs.

The two of them are sickly, sappy sweet and always have been from the moment they first met, something Jugram remembers because he was there to witness it. They were late for class, Cang Du managed to trip over his own feet and scatter his shit everywhere, and As stopped to help him pick it up because they were on a break period. The way Cang Du looked at them was as if he was seeing the full moon for the first time after a lifetime of darkness, as if  _ everything _ in the world finally made sense to him.

He’s acted that way ever since As agreed to be his.

Jugram is double checking his rearview mirrors when Juha drops into the seat next to him, automatically buckling his seatbelt. “You can hook your phone up to the aux cord and play whatever you want through it. Just nothing inappropriate for a thirteen-year-old.”

“A what?” Juha glances back, then frowns at him. “Oh. Who’s kid brother is coming?”

“Mine. I’m not comfortable leaving him with my grandparents for an entire holiday break. They’re… Old, you know.” And mildly homophobic, and maybe they have been making odd comments about Jugram to Gremmy every time he makes the mistake of doing so.

Juha raises an eyebrow at him. “Does he not live with them most of the time, or?”

“He lives in my apartment with me and he goes to school not far from where we live so I can keep an eye on him. I’ve been taking care of him since I was eighteen.” Thank God his parents’ death left him enough money to move away from his uncle as soon as he was legally able to do so, somewhere far away where he’d never be able to get near them.

After all, Jugram doubts he would have been able to protect Gremmy much longer.

“Oh.” Juha looks taken aback by this and Jugram says nothing, wondering what image he must put off that  _ caring big brother _ is odd. “I didn’t even know you had a little brother.”

Jugram smiles. “I try to keep it that way. I want him to have as normal of a life as he can, away from all the press and business journals. He’s only interested in video games at his age and I’m not going to let anyone take that away from him.”

“You sound like you really are looking out for him,” Juha muses, and Jugram nods once.

He passes Juha the aux cord and then glances back at the rearview mirror. “Everyone buckled up? Bazz, that includes you. I don’t care if you’re sleeping the whole trip.”

“Holy shit, dude, the callout. I’m buckled,” Bazz says, snapping the belt where Jugram can see it, though he winces at the sharp recoil against his chest. The damned things hurt.

Gremmy offers a thumb and finger circle but otherwise refuses to look up at him.

Everyone else in the van is responsible enough to know better, so Jugram feels confident enough to start the engine and back them out of the garage, shutting it as they go. He can already see Bazz shifting into a more comfortable position, so maybe he was serious when he said he was going to sleep most of the trip. He does every time he doesn’t have to drive.

“I’m not sure I’m doing this right,” Juha tells him, fumbling with his phone.

“Hmm?” Jugram leans over, tapping a few buttons on his stereo to change the source. “There, that should fix it. It can be a little fickle sometimes, no worries.”

Juha nods but doesn’t look up at him. “Okay. Good to know, I suppose, that it wasn’t me.”

With everything handled, Jugram focuses on getting them on the road. He’s made this trip before and is comfortable doing so, listening to the lull of Cang Du and As talking behind him, a smile touching his lips when Gremmy’s voice joins them as he finally shrugs off his initial shyness to talk to As properly. Bazz is quiet, and Juha seems focused on his phone until a soft, unfamiliar, lilting tune starts playing through the car speakers. It’s oddly soothing and not something Jugram would have picked out on his own.

“Is this fine?” Juha asks him, setting his phone down carefully on his leg.

“Of course. It’s very pretty.” A woman’s voice joins the melancholy tune, and the notes she hits are truly impressive. “Like I said, you can play what you want. Cang Du and As won’t care, Gremmy isn’t allowed to care, and Bazz is just going to sleep through it.”

Juha turns his gaze out the window, and they have to conveniently stop, so Jugram examines what he can of his profile. He has a nice face and a beautiful bone structure. “I wouldn’t want to play anything loud and risk waking him up by accident.”

“I could get into a car accident and he wouldn’t wake up,” Jugram says, and Juha snaps his head around, brows furrowed. “I’m not going to get us into an accident, it was just a joke.”

“Right.” Juha turns away from him again, and Jugram sighs softly as he keeps driving.

The accident that killed his parents always makes him as careful as possible behind the wheel, but driving has never been something frightening to him. He should be more sensitive to other people, though, and keep his macabre sense of humor at bay as much as possible. With his luck, Juha will think he’s some kind of strange freak for making such jokes. It would be his fault with no one else to blame but himself.

Cang Du leans up, poking him in the shoulder so that Jugram glances back at him in the rearview mirror. “Hey, we gotta stop about halfway for food. Don’t forget that.”

“I won’t forget,” he says, tilting his head when Juha frowns at him. “Is something wrong?”

“Tch. I threw my wallet in my bag because I didn’t think I’d need it on the drive up and I’m not looking forward to digging it out.” Again, those dark eyes turn away from him.

So be it. Jugram might as well play another card since he’s already shown half of his hand thus far. “Don’t worry about it. I have my wallet on me, I’ll just cover the cost.”

“Such a gentleman,” Juha mutters, and Jugram almost misses it, but he doesn’t. And he has to bite down hard on the inside of his cheek to keep his features schooled. “Fine, then.”

“What kind of man would he be if he didn’t offer to pay for a pretty boy’s lunch?” Cang Du asks, and Jugram wonders what would happen if he pulled over, dragged Cang Du out of the van, and just left him there. If he could hitchhike back home before he froze to death.

“It’s a courtesy,” Jugram corrects, and Cang Du leans back in his seat with a self-satisfied little smile on his face, ignoring the way As gently slaps him on the shoulder. It’s when Juha leans back into his seat, his expression off once more, that Jugram decides to show another card. Much faster than he anticipated, but still. “But you have a point. It’d be beyond me not to go out of my way to take care of such a thing.”

With how quickly Juha turns his head, Jugram is lucky to note the slight flush crawling up his neck. But he doesn’t throw Jugram any dirty looks, so he assumes it must be a victory and allows himself a small smile as he navigates them onto the road, weaving into traffic as seamlessly as he always does. A little embarrassment never hurt anyone, and it’s better to get it all out of the way early because he can’t help himself when it comes to talk like this.

He might be imagining things, but when Juha tilts his head slightly to follow the progression of one of the cars ahead of them, Jugram thinks he sees a hint of a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yodels i love teasing one (1) boy


	3. Chapter 3

Juha hates driving with a passion. If it was up to him, he never would have bothered getting his license in the first place. He remembers standing numb beside the remains of his father’s car, picking through what was left of it so he could retrieve the few personal possessions not totaled in the wreckage. When he got home, he sat on his bed with a piece of torn, slightly burnt seatbelt cradled in his hands and cried until he vomited.

No one else knows about this, of course. Why would he tell anyone? What good would it do for anyone else to know when there was nothing they could do about it?

Ichibei made him get the license. No matter how much he cried, no matter how much he all but begged to be left alone, Ichibei dragged him out into one of this father’s cars and made him learn. Never mind how much his hands shook as he gripped the steering wheel with panicky tightness or how short his breath was as if the seatbelt were digging into his throat. By the time he had the license, he swore he would never drive a car again.

That being said, he finds himself staring as Jugram drives them up the mountain.

The drive itself has been uneventful, and he stayed quiet when they stopped to eat because he had nothing to contribute to their conversation. Bazz and Gremmy argued about video games passionately while Jugram and Cang Du discussed a class they were taking together and As nudged Juha a few times to make sure he was okay. Nothing really special, noteworthy, or worth remembering or thinking about in his opinion.

Jugram handles the van without any issue, adjusting for any slick patches on the road, hands always poised perfectly at ten and two. His eyes dart between the rearview mirror and the side mirror at an event rate, and there is this… Almost  _ intense _ expression on his face when he shifts gear when they reach a particularly steep piece of asphalt.

Of course, Juha has probably just gone insane on the drive. That would make sense.

“There’s the cabin,” Jugram says, tilting his head forward, and Juha sits up in his seat to see there is, indeed, a cabin settled onto this flatter plane of land. There are a few of them, he’s relieved to see. So they won’t be alone if something bad happens.

“They must have gotten here early,” As says, and Juha looks back at them, confused. “Lille and Askin. There’s too much snow on Lille’s car for it not to have been parked a while.”

Bazz whoops from the back, and Juha tries not to jump at how sudden and sharp the sound is in the small space. “That’s my man, always getting here early and prepared. Glad he was willing to pick up all the provisions because I sure as hell would have forgotten.”

“No, you would have remembered. You just would have gotten beer and nothing else,” Cang Du says, and As covers their mask with their hand, smothering a soft laugh.

Like a child, Bazz pouts at the pair of them. “You two always gang up on me and bully me.”

“Honestly,” Jugram murmurs, and Juha glances over at him, at the handsome lines of his profile. The snow benefits him too much, the harsh white light bringing out lighter tones in his golden hair. He is  _ so _ good-looking. “All right, everyone out and grab your bags.”

They park next to Lille’s car and Juha carefully disconnects his phone from the aux cord before slipping out of the vehicle. The ground crunches underneath and he wrinkles his nose at how cold it is, hugging his arms tight across his chest as he trudges toward the back of the van. Bazz is already there, popping open the hatch and pulling bags out one by one to hand off to people. He tosses Juha’s a little too roughly, but he says nothing.

“Isn’t it pretty here?” As sidles up next to him, sliding the strap of their bag over their shoulder before taking him by the elbow. “Come on, let’s go inside and look around.”

“It’s so weirdly remote,” Juha murmurs, and As shakes their head, their eyes crinkling.

“You’re going to love the peace and quiet once night comes and it’s just snowing. I’ve sat out on the porch with Cang Du before and we watched the snow and drank hot cocoa.” As raises their eyebrows but Juha is quick to shake his head. He can’t tolerate the cold.

Lille Barro meets them at the front door, opening the storm door for them and then stepping back to let them in. “Just a head’s up but Askin’s taking a nap.”

“Of course he is. He always gets sleepy on long drives.” As rolls their eyes and sets their bag on the loveseat, stretching their arms over their head before shrugging off their coat.

“Oh it’s warm in here,” Juha murmurs thankfully, carefully toeing out of his shoes, leaving them on the mat next to the door before he dares walk further into the cabin. The floors are all hardwood, he notices, which is going to make anyone with damp shoes dangerous.

“Made sure to get the heat on and the fire going as soon as we got here,” Lille says, and Juha looks back at him. And  _ up _ at him, because Lille is tall. “As said you were coming but I guess I didn’t think that was going to be true. Nice to meet you in person, Juha Bach.”

Like Jugram, Lille is on the fencing team. He would have been the best on the team except Jugram claimed that distinction for himself not long after joining, something that Juha knows because his fellow archers make sure to gossip loud enough for him to hear even though he rarely speaks to them. It hardly matters, of course; Lille is the second best and essential to the team, and they need as many talented members as they can get. Having an ace is one thing, but you still need a good team to back them up just in case.

“Pleasure’s mine.” Juha extends his hand, trying to make it less stiff than it is when he used to meet his father’s business associates on a regular basis.

“Oh, shit.” Lille grips his hand tight, gives it a firm squeeze. “Hell of a voice you got.”

Juha swallows so hard his throat clicks. As would not invite him here if their friends were going to be dicks to him. “If you can’t develop a deep voice naturally, store bought will do.”

Lille chuckles softly and nods, giving his hand another squeeze before letting it go. He has a nice laugh and a nice  _ everything, _ really, which is unfair. He’s tall with broad shoulders that taper down into a narrow waist, all muscle and gleaming brown skin and kind golden eyes. The hair on his head is shaved short but dyed white, and Juha is torn between whether or not he finds Lille hot or if he wants to  _ be _ him. He has to get over this.

“Askin’s gonna love you.” Lille glances over his shoulder as the others slowly make their way inside single file, dropping a broad hand on top of Gremmy’s head. “Hey, there, kiddo.”

“Hi, Lille. I wanna know where everyone’s sleeping right now so I can go to my room. Battery’s about to die.” Gremmy brandishes his console meaningfully.

Blowing out a breath, Lille surveys all of them as Bazz closes the door. “Well, you know the usual. Everyone’s gonna have to pair up. What’s the configuration gonna be this time?”

_ Pair up? _ Juha tries to ignore the sinking cold sensation of his blood slipping out of his face and perches on the arm of the loveseat as he tries to remember how to breathe like a human being not on the verge of an anxiety attack. No one said anything about sharing a bedroom, and he’s suddenly and childishly afraid to do just that. It isn’t like he can wear a binder to  _ bed _ unless he wants to crush his ribs and possibly puncture a lung in the process.

_ Would make the whole thing end a hell of a lot faster if I did, though. _

“Already assuming you and Askin are gonna share a room since you always do,” Bazz says.

“I’m the only person here who can sleep through his snoring without it ruining my night, so.” Lille shrugs a shoulder as if this is a foregone conclusion. “And if we let him bunk with kiddo, he just enables him to sit up all night and game instead of making him go to bed.”

“What’s wrong with that?” Gremmy demands, and Jugram puts a hand over his mouth.

Cang Du links his fingers together behind his neck and surveys the room. “As, you gonna bunk with Juha? I’ll bunk with kiddo so Jugo doesn’t have to put up with his bullshit.”

Juha blinks a handful of times as As nods. “Yeah, that was what I was thinking about—”

“Shouldn’t you two just share a room?” Juha asks, looking between the two of them. Why the hell would they  _ not _ bunk together considering they live together? He highly doubts the two of them would be able to sleep through the night without the other near. As has even made the odd joke about how Cang Du’s breathing is the ASMR that puts them to sleep.

“Um.” As hooks a finger in the collar of their wine red turtleneck, giving it a twist as they look at him meaningfully. “Because I thought the two of us would bunk together.”

It takes him an uncomfortable minute to realize As is trying to offer him a safe haven away from sharing a room with the others, and his face is hot. “Oh. Uh. Um, I see.”

“It’s fine,” Cang Du says, and Juha remembers the first time he met him, how careful he was about the way he spoke and how he made sure Juha had plenty of personal space. How he always seemed to keep a hand on As’s waist or around their shoulders or just holding their hand because the two of them are connected in a way human eyes just cannot see.

Both of them are too nice for him. Nicer than he deserves for them to be to tell the truth.

“I mean, I think it’d probably be better if the two of you shared a room.” Juha tries to say this as carefully but firmly as possible, making sure each word is separate from the next.

There is a noticeable tension in the room, and he hates it. He hates that he’s the source of it and that he agreed to come here in the first place. But As stares at him for a long moment before they nod once. “Okay. I’ll stay with Cang Du, then. Bazz, what about you?”

“Uh, well.” Bazz looks taken aback by the situation but laughs it off, dropping his arm on top of Gremmy’s head and ignoring the offended noise Gremmy makes up at him before elbowing him in the gut. “Hey, fuck, watch it! Well, I can bunk with the kid. No big deal.”

“I’m not adverse to sharing a room with my brother,” Jugram says, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, but we all kinda agree you two need time away from each other or you end up trying to kill each other by morning two.” Bazz flashes him a grin, but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. “But like, I guess that’s assuming you two don’t mind sharing a room?”

His voice goes high at the end of the question as he glances over at Juha, who pointedly looks away from him and finds himself meeting Jugram’s gaze instead. Not a better alternative, especially when there is no readable expression on Jugram’s face so he can figure out how he feels about the idea. He asked Juha to come, but maybe he doesn’t want to share a room with him. Maybe he thinks Juha is too prickly to be that close already.

Jugram knows he’s trans. It wouldn’t be so weird to share a room with him, would it?

“I’m fine with that,” Jugram finally says, and some of the tension in the room eases until it’s gone all at once with an inaudible  _ pop _ like all of the air rushing out of a hole in a balloon. “Besides, Bazz is right. I’ll probably kill Gremmy tomorrow morning. He stays up all night.”

“I’m an  _ insomniac, _ ” Gremmy says delicately, but Juha thinks that might be bullshit. He bets Gremmy stays up all night on purpose and drives everyone else in the room with him crazy.

It is perfectly normal for Jugram to not want to stay in a room with his brother on his vacation and Juha has no reason to wonder if Jugram might have any other reason for it. He’s just doing something nice for a friend, and Juha is just doing the same. That’s all.

Bazz thumps Gremmy on top of the head. “You are full of  _ shit _ is what you are. Okay, room picks. Let’s go upstairs and argue over who gets the second best view.”

“I get the best view by default of having paid for the rental,” Jugram says, and Bazz snorts at him but doesn’t argue, so that must be how they do things.

Juha picks up his bag and follows Jugram upstairs, trying to ignore the prickle under his skin at the prospect of sharing a bedroom with a man he’s only ever watched from a distance. In his defense, it’s not like he thought approaching him would be a smart move, nor would he know how to go about it. He spent all of middle school and high school wanting to rip his own skin off and fashion it into something that might fit better, so he missed out on most of the experience he would have had when it came to crushes and dating.

He spent so many years wishing no one looked at him that he just… Never looked at anyone.

“I really do get the room with the best view. I think you’ll appreciate it.” Jugram glances back at him and Juha just nods, not sure what else to say. If he has to say anything, or if the space between them can just be. “Are you sure you’re fine with rooming with me?”

“Yeah. I really don’t want to chase As out of sleeping with their boyfriend,” Juha says.

Jugram stops in front of a closed door and seems to study him for a moment, and Juha just… Stands there feeling self-conscious and hot until Jugram’s eyes soften. “As was right,” he says definitively before swinging the bedroom door inward.

_ What the hell was that supposed to mean? _

Before Juha can guess or even ask, his breath catches in his throat. The room is soaked with white sunlight spilling in through the huge wide window along one wall, offering a view down the mountain. Everything is white except where the browns and greens of trunks and leaves peek through. He drops his bag on the floor instantly to go investigate.

“I thought you’d like it.” Jugram closes the door behind them with a soft click and Juha tells himself to just  _ relax, _ it isn’t like Jugram is dangerous. “The curtains can cover the window up at night if you prefer, or just if you want to come in and take a nap.”

“It’s really breathtaking. Wow. I… Didn’t expect this.” Not that he knew what to expect in the first place, but this is definitely not something he would have put on the list.

Jugram appears next to him and plants his hands on the window seat, his face close to the glass as he gazes out, and Juha’s breath sticks in his throat for an entirely different reason now. The view, as picturesque as it is, has absolutely nothing on the man standing next to him. He doesn’t think he believes in perfection existing in a person, but the living proof is smiling down at the snow-capped trees.

Sharing a room with him is definitely going to kill Juha at some point.

He turns to pick up his bag and unpack, skittering to a halt when he notices what he should have seen the second he walked through the doorway. “Oh, there’s just the one bed.”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. That’s why we always debate who rooms with who. We have to share beds.” Jugram’s hand comes to rest on his shoulder again, and it’s just as warm as it was in the gym. “Is that going to be a problem? You can stay with As instead.”

Because they probably talked about it, Juha reasons. The minute he said yes, or maybe before, they talked about the fact he might not be comfortable sharing a bed with someone who isn’t trans. Might not want to strip his layers down and he vulnerable with someone who didn’t get it, didn’t have the experiences, didn’t know. Maybe the entire  _ group _ of them talked about it, because they sure seemed to have settled into an arrangement before they walked into the cabin together. They thought about it.

He still doesn’t want his one friend in this group to not get to sleep with their boyfriend.

“It’s fine,” he says, and his voice sounds off and distant, so he forces it out again. “It’s fine, really, it’s no big deal. It’s a big bed, it’s not like we’re sleeping on top of each other. I mean, unless you have a problem with it?” He glances over his shoulder.

Jugram’s mouth softens into a smile, and he squeezes Juha’s shoulder gently. “I’m good.”

With the light from the window framing him like this, he looks like an angel.

Juha is so  _ fucked. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's not a fanfic if there isn't only one bed


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **warning:** mention of jugram's past abuse at the hands of his uncle in this chapter

The first day is always a process. Gremmy locks himself up in the room he will be sharing with Bazz after giving Bazz just enough time to unpack, insisting he needs some alone time so he can make sure his rank has not been affected by the drive. What rank that is, Jugram only vaguely knows. He just makes sure his brother eats lunch before leaving him alone, putting his attention on the rest of the cabin to make sure they can stay here.

Lille and Askin already put the perishable goods away, but Jugram re-organizes the refrigerator and the freezer before packing away the pantry goods in the empty cabinets. They have cookware and paper plates and bowls so they can keep the dishwashing to a minimum in case the pipes freeze. He and Bazz bring in firewood from outside to store in the small room just past the kitchen and before you reach the backyard, and maybe he pauses to admire how easily Lille swings the axe outside when he cuts wood for them. He isn’t  _ dead, _ after all, and Lille is a hell of a man.

By the time he is sure the cabin is as set up as it can be, he finds himself collapsing on the couch with a groan, rolling his shoulder to ease the slight ache in it. “Upkeep is so hard.”

Cang Du tramps back into the cabin from outside, finger-combing his snow-damp hair out of his eyes and shrugging out of his coat. “Went ahead and salted the driveway and the porch. Probably have to keep doing it periodically, but it is what it is.”

“Thanks, man. I’m not trying to bust my ass out there,” Bazz says, giving him a thumbs up.

“They still upstairs?” Cang Du tilts his chin up and Jugram nods; As asked Juha to help them with something upstairs and neither of them have come down since then.

“Is it me or is Bach like… A fucking deer in the headlights every time one of us tries to talk to him?” Bazz, as usual, is unpracticed in everything that he says.

Lille takes a seat in one of the chairs in the room, propping one socked foot up on the edge of the coffee table. “I think it’s important to remember what As told us. Juha doesn’t have that many people in his life these days. We might truly be it at this point.”

“He’s very skittish around us, I’ve noticed it,” Jugram says, and Bazz makes a vindicated noise in the back of his throat, chin lifted a touch. “But I don’t blame him, and I don’t think it’s his fault that he feels this way. It must be difficult to go through most of your life without anyone else there. His father’s been in a coma for quite a few years now.”

It might have been in poor taste to some, but As prepped all of them for this trip so none of them would make a mistake and end up ruining it for everyone. From the way it sounds to Jugram, Juha has no family other than his father and no close friends, a lonely existence to be sure. He isn’t used to people, and it shows in the way he reacts to all of them, the way he clams up the moment he is a part of a group decision.

Jugram’s heart hurts to think of it, but he remembers being a child with no friends and so he understands just how much it means when someone reaches out a hand to you.

“You goin’ somewhere?” Bazz taps his temple and Jugram gives himself a little shake that has the redhead chuckling. “Thought so. Stay with us, man, we’re having such a good time.”

“My apologies. I was just thinking back to when we were kids,” Jugram admits softly.

Bazz’s smile fades around the corners and he drags himself off of the loveseat to sit on the couch instead, patting Jugram gently on the shoulder. “Hey, that shit’s over. No matter what you’re thinking, it ain’t gonna happen again. I promise you that.”

“I know. It’s just… You know how it can be,” Jugram says, and Bazz nods. He knows because he was there with Jugram through the worst parts of what happened when it was over.

People forget there is an  _ after, _ which is what Juha is struggling with right now. There is a period of time after a tragedy or trauma where you have to pick up the pieces of your life and figure out what to do with yourself and where you go next. Most people want to know about the  _ after _ , but only in terms of the post-recovery. The strength, the poise, the dignity that people show when the pain and suffering has been set aside to give them a chance to breathe and once again resume being a normal human being.

No one cares about the struggle to get there, the ugliness and pain and anguish.

Bazz squeezes his shoulder. “I know. But you got this. I know you do.”

“I do,” Jugram agrees, and his smile must reassure Bazz, who sits back and nods firmly. “But you get it, right? He’s going through a lot right now. It’s hard for Juha.”

“Just make sure it isn’t hard for you, too. I mean, not like. You know what I mean.” Bazz clears his throat awkwardly, but Jugram knows  _ exactly _ what he is saying.

“I don’t intend on letting it go that far.” There is nothing enjoyable about calling your best friend to come pick you up from a date’s house because, as it turns out, sex isn’t something you can currently do. Maybe something you can never do. He knows better now.

The expression on Bazz’s face says he might not quite believe that, and Jugram would not blame him for it. “Yeah, well… Just be careful. I don’t like you getting hurt.”

“We’ve both hurt enough for a lifetime, I think. At least, that’s the sense I get when I look at him.” Maybe that’s just poetic bullshit, but Jugram feels it down deep in his soul. “Maybe that’s part of the reason I even like him in the first place. He’d get it.”

“Y’know, I don’t even like my dad but I couldn’t imagine him being hooked up to a bunch of machines and just… Lying there, I guess.” Askin comes in from the kitchen with a tray of hot chocolate, most likely to say  _ thank you _ for doing the hard work he hates doing.

Jugram picks up a mug and stares down into the whipped cream piled on top, a faint smile touching his lips. “I couldn’t, either. I find it incredibly strong of him to be able to go through with everything he does and not let it hold him back. His archery work is amazing like he’s far and away the best in the region and possibly even the country.”

“Like an  _ angel, _ ” Bazz teases him, miming pulling back a bowstring, one eye closing to help him  _ aim _ better. “He’s gonna shoot an arrow right into your heart.”

Instead of scoffing, Jugram just sighs. “I think he’s already gone through with that.”

“You got it  _ bad, _ ” Lille says, and Jugram winces but nods. He knows he does. He knows there’s a reason As asked  _ him _ to say something instead of one of the others. “You gonna talk to him about it or you two gonna fumble around like idiots forever?”

What a question. “I don’t want to say it and scare him away on day one.”

“It’s best to wait and try to pick up on how he feels about you before you do something like spill your guts to him. At least, in my correct opinion.” Askin perches on the arm of Lille’s chair, his own mug of cocoa in his hands. Steam wafts from the top of it, curling in soft white wisps. “If you barge in with your heart in your hand, you’re going to scare the shit out of him. Get him to open up and chat a little first and then you’ll know.”

Jugram knows he should. He knows how much of an idiot he is for falling in love from afar with a boy he spoke to for the first time only a few short days ago, but how could he not? Watching him with his bow during competitions, eyes steely with focus and muscles hard as iron, coupled with As’s descriptions of him was enough for Jugram’s heart to beat just a little faster every time he thought he made contact with those earthy crimson eyes.

Finding out he isn’t  _ quite _ as poised in person only makes it that much worse.

“I can’t believe As finally goes out and makes a friend to bring back to the group with them and then you go and fall for him.” Bazz punches him in the shoulder gently before picking up his own mug, yelping when he manages to burn his tongue on the cocoa.

Chuckling, Jugram leans back against the couch. “I know what you mean. It took us ages just to convince them it would be okay if they went to that group and made friends in the first place. I feel bad that they were so closed-off all this time, though.”

“As really cares about him,” Cang Du says softly, “so I’m gonna say this again. If you hurt him, you might as well hurt them, and then I’m gonna have to kick your ass.”

“I feel torn,” Bazz says. “I promised I’d always throw down with Cang Du, but kicking Jugo’s ass would be super hard. Guess you’re just gonna have to be on your best behavior.”

“You’re both idiots.” Jugram sips his hot cocoa, as careful of the whipped cream as he can be. “I’m not going to hurt his feelings or break his heart. I’m going to be careful about this. But I don’t know… Part of me hopes he’s distant because it  _ is _ mutual.”

Askin drums his fingers on the side of his mug and sighs. “I mean, that’s possible. Just go slow and be nice to him. I think he could use a whole lot of niceness in his life.”

This is not lost on Jugram. He knows just how much niceness meant to him when he had no one in his life, how much Bazz’s friendship meant when the other touch he had ever known was a touch that inflicted so much pain upon him. “I’ll definitely be keeping that in mind.”

Gremmy thumps downstairs a few minutes later, ignoring all of them as he makes a beeline for the kitchen. The familiar rattling of plastic and cellophane has Jugram tilting his head to see his brother amassing a collection of snacks to take upstairs with him. His expression is focused like he wants to keep his head in the flow of whatever game he is currently playing; Jugram knows it too well. He wears it during fencing meets as needed.

Losing focus could cost you everything, so learning to keep it is important.

Cang Du clears his throat, and Jugarm’s attention shifts to him; Gremmy seems fine. Best not to bother him while he has his head in the game. “I’m glad you guys were with me on that, though. Getting As to just… Go make new friends. They really needed that.”

“When I was still in the closet, I was just friends with people online,” Bazz says, and Jugram hums in understanding. He hadn’t told anyone, but then, he was pretty sure he’d been permanently broken by that point. “And like, that was good. Helped a lot. Still helped a lot more when I started meeting actual dudes who liked other dudes in real life.”

“I think it’s easier sometimes to keep to yourself or stay online. Can’t be rejected or looked down on, after all,” Askin says, and Jugram winces. Yeah, he understands that.

Other than Bazz, no one here  _ really _ knows. Jugram picked up the pieces of his life once he moved out of his uncle’s house and struggled for over a year trying to decide what his sexuality was supposed to be. Who he liked. What he wanted. He spent over a year pretending to be straight because it was easier than trying to date men, so many of whom scared him because it just made him think of his uncle far too many times.

Bazz was the first man who ever made him feel safe. Jugram values that quite a lot.

“They’re happier for it,” Cang Du says. “That’s what matters. They tell me about some of the other people they talk to and are friends with now, and it’s really nice. It’s nicer that one of them decided to come with us. So no one here is allowed to fuck it up. My soulmate should get to have as many friends meet up with us as they want.”

“Soulmate,” Askin teases. “We’re bringing out the big guns now, aren’t we?”

Cang Du is quiet for a moment, dipping his finger into the whipped cream on top of his cocoa and licking it off. “If I’m being honest? I feel like we should skip dating and go straight to marriage. Like we were  _ made _ for each other. It’s… Cosmic, or something.”

“Never heard you talk like this in the entire time I’ve known you,” Bazz admits.

“I know. It’s cheesy and stupid and I feel like an idiot every time I want to say it to them, but I just feel like it’s the truth.” Cang Du sighs and sinks into his seat, head falling back against the cushion. “It feels like we were made at the same time. Like we just found our way  _ back _ to each other instead of meeting for the first time.”

“That sense of comfort is rare. Make sure you don’t lose it.” Askin winks; Cang Du scowls.

Gremmy stops on his way back up to his room, arms folded protectively around a selection of bags and a few cans of soda that he manages to balance without dropping. “Bro,” he says slowly, like it’s taking great effort for him to extend courtesy, “you okay? You’ve got that face you had on when I brought in my last report card and you saw my English grade.”

“You need to get that grade up,” Jugram says, and Gremmy grimaces, but they both know what he’s talking about. “I’m fine. Just thinking about some things. How’s the game going?”

“Fine. I’m back up in rank.” Gremmy hesitates like he’s not sure if he should go up or not; the concern in his eyes makes Jugram feel awful. He should have protected him better. Gremmy should never have to worry about him. “You sure you’re good, though?”

Bazz clicks his tongue. “He’s good, kiddo. We’re just talking about lovey dovey shit.”

“Oh.” Gremmy makes a face at them and Jugram chuckles softly. “Okay. Well. If you need me before dinner you can knock. I have to go do guild stuff now. Have fun.”

He takes the stairs two at a time but Jugram still waits until he hears the bedroom door shut before he lets his head thunk back against the couch, staring up at the ceiling. “I hate that he can tell when I’m upset about something. He knows me too well.”

“He has a reason to know what your upset face looks like,” Bazz reminds him, and Jugram frowns. He  _ knows. _ “It’s because he’s your little brother and he loves you.”

_ Oh. _ That wasn’t what Jugram thought Bazz was going to say to him.

The sound of a bedroom door opening has him pausing before he can reply, and he takes a sip of his cocoa when he realizes there are two sets of footsteps coming to join them. He tries to play it cool, more interested in his cocoa than anything else. Out of the corner of his eye, he watches As round the couch to sit in Cang Du’s lap without even asking; they don’t have to. Cang Du’s arm moves immediately to circle around their waist, hugging them close to his chest, and he lets them have his mug without a complaint.

Jugram  _ wants _ that. It doesn’t necessarily  _ have _ to be with Juha if things are not meant to be. He wants that ease, that companionship, that comfort.

There is a tense, quiet moment where Jugram is intensely aware that he’s missed something until the sound of someone clearing their throat has him glancing up to see Juha standing next to him, gesturing to the empty cushion next to him. “Can I sit here?”

“Sure.” Jugram scoots over a little to give him more room, trying to play it cool. Thinking that Juha definitely was  _ not _ wearing that pretty green sweater the last time he saw him, but he looks… Amazing in it. The sleeves are a little too long, too, almost long enough to hide his fingers. The color is a dark earthy green, and it contrasts amazingly with his eyes.

He gulps down hot chocolate and tells himself to stop being an idiot about things.

“Hey.” Juha is looking at him, brows furrowed just slightly in the middle, but he seems… Borderline amused? “You’ve, ah… Just hold still.”

His hand moves faster than Jugram can track, but time still seems to slow down when he feels slender but strong fingers brush over the end of his nose. It’s an intimate brush of contact that makes him go still, and he feels like an  _ idiot _ when he sees Juha’s fingers come away smeared with whipped cream. He’d managed to get the little left of it on his face.

“Not a good look,” Juha says, and Jugram realizes he’s trying to keep the mood light.

“My bad,” Jugram says, quirking a smile at him. “Thanks for the fashion tip, though.”

“No problem.” Juha licks the whipped cream off of his fingers and is already turning away to bother Askin about if there’s more. He doesn’t see Jugram almost fumble the rest of his cocoa onto his lap, which is a miracle because he wouldn’t have recovered from that.

Inwardly, he smiles. Jugram has never minded a personal challenge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter is one i'm real excited to write so it might be out today/tonight who knows!


	5. Chapter 5

Within three meetings of attending the trans group on campus, giving him just enough time to memorize everyone’s name and pronouns, Juha felt like he made a mistake.

Not in going, necessarily, but in his own life. Somewhere along the line of figuring out his identity, coming to terms with what it would mean to live that life, coming out to his family, and now… He fucked up. Where he fucked up, he is never quite sure. Thinking back is hard when all he remembers is pain and suffering, other students taunting him in the halls when he stopped wearing the girls’ uniform at his high school and switched to the boys’. But the many times he forces himself to do it to find an answer, he never quite finds one.

He doesn’t have the same assurance or confidence that any of the other people in the group do, and some of them have it harder than him. Some of them don’t have the money or status that allow for things like easily changing a birth certificate or a name or acquiring the hormones they might want, and he knows this. He knows this all too well, never letting himself forget how much his father’s money has done for him.

But he’s missing something, and he knows now money can’t really buy that.

So he tries to listen and to learn. Listens to Kokuto, who waves off the idea of  _ gender _ entirely because he’s never fit into any box that exists and just decides none of those boxes are for him, anyway. To Shuren, whose fiery personality and confidence demand the world give them what they deserve instead of trying to ask for it kindly. To Kusaka, who manages to walk with their back straight and their shoulders back and their chin high even as their childhood boyfriend’s family all but  _ begs _ him to break up with them.

To As, who enlists him in helping them unpack clothing but who clearly wants to talk to him apart from all of the others because they’re worried about him. He knows that now.

“You’re really fine with this?” They keep their tone light and casual as they open up their suitcase and start pulling clothes out. Shirts and blouses and pants and skirts and it makes Juha’s head spin because he can’t imagine how they make all of this work. “Sharing a room with Jugram? I know it’s… A lot to ask. It’s why I didn’t want to ask it.”

“You didn’t have to like, talk about it beforehand.” Juha hands them clothes as they go about putting them away in the closet and the dresser on the opposite side of the room.

As is quiet for a moment, takes a deep breath and sighs. “I feel bad about that, I do. I just didn’t want to force you into an uncomfortable position with any of the others.”

“I’m not upset about it. I mean, I get it. You just wanted to keep me safe.” Because he’s said it before in group and to As privately. Being around cis men makes him uncomfortable and sometimes even changing in the locker room after a meet is a frightening experience.

You just… Never know. Sometimes someone will be fine with it one day and then admit to you the next that they never thought you were a whole person to begin with. It hasn’t happened  _ here _ just yet, but it did in high school. Juha remembers that all too well. His lab partner just slipped with pronouns one day, and a correction led to a nasty confrontation.

“Of course. But I still don’t think I should have done it.” As looks at him, and Juha smiles at them because he really isn’t mad at them. He couldn’t be. “I also shouldn’t have sent him to ask you, but… I thought you’d be more likely to say yes to him than to me.”

“I mean… You’re not wrong. It was hard to tell him no when he was asking me to come up here.” As knows, of course. Because Juha told them when the timid attraction stayed.

With careful hands, As removes the mask from their face and combs their fingers through their hair, and Juha always feels a little sad when he looks at them. At the one deep scar that cuts through their lips. They’ve both suffered in different ways. “I didn’t want you to say no and miss out on the trip. I think you’ll have a lot of fun up here.”

“You know I can hardly stand the cold, though.” And they both know that isn’t what As is talking about, not by a long shot. “I really do like him. It’s so hard not to like him.”

“Isn’t it? He’s so sweet and kind and warm. He’s so naturally gentle with everyone around him. I felt so safe around him when Cang Du introduced us.” As’s voice does this thing where it gets a little dreamy when they talk about Cang Du. It’s really cute.

Even if he doesn’t want to admit it, Juha knows exactly what they mean. “I still feel like an idiot for just agreeing to it, but like… Yeah. He’s really nice to talk to.”

“He likes you.” As’s eyes are glittering and Juha groans because he should have  _ known _ it was going to be like this. “What? There’s nothing wrong with it. He  _ adores _ you.”

“I highly doubt that. He didn’t want to share a room with me. I kind of forced it.” Which he should have. As and Cang Du deserve to sleep next to each other at night.

This time, As just sits down on the bed and looks at him, and they look distinctly unhappy with him brushing that off. “Wrong. He adores you. He’s had a crush on you since we came to one of your archery meets. He said you were so  _ poised, _ so  _ perfect. _ He said—”

“He did not. You’re going to embarrass me.” Just the  _ thought _ that someone like Jugram Haschwalth would ever— No. Juha needs to live in the actual real world here.

He already has to share a bedroom with the man, which is a challenge in and of itself because of who he is and how Juha feels about him. The last thing he wants to do is make Jugram think he’s weird or creepy. He’s probably just trying to be nice to him.

All of them are so nice, which would make it perfectly in-character for him.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” As says it fondly and stretches out a hand, catching him by the wrist and pulling him down onto the bed with them. “You’re so mean to yourself. I wish you’d stop and just let someone look at you like you deserve.”

They’ve had this conversation so many times before but Juha’s face still burns as he twists it away, trying to hide how he feels. “I know. But like… He’s so perfect. He’s  _ too _ perfect.”

“Jugram is the biggest sweetheart I know but it doesn’t make him perfect. He has his flaws just like everyone else does.” As slips a hand under his chin and makes him look at them, and their eyes are so soft and beseeching. “You should give him a chance.”

“And if it ends up with him hurting me, then what happens?” Juha asks softly.

As shakes their head firmly. “If you open yourself up to him, it’s going to be fine. He  _ wants _ to be with you, you know. He wants it. So why not just put yourself out there?”

There are a thousand reasons not to do that, of course. Juha has been hurt before, and he doesn’t really want someone with power to come along and hurt him again. It would be so much worse because he  _ likes _ Jugram. “Because I don’t want to get my heart broken.”

“He isn’t going to be careless with your heart,” As insists. “I know him so well.”

Juha worries his lower lip between his teeth and says nothing, but As pulls him across the mattress and into their arms, their hands pressed against his back. It’s so easy to lean into them and let them have the weight of his worry and fear. They have never been anything less than sweet to him since the moment he first met them, and he doubts that will change any time soon. As has always been an angel he never knew he needed.

He still remembers how odd he felt walking into the building where they were having their little get-together and feeling  _ wrong _ . And then As was right there with their gentle hands and soft voice to assure him he’d come to the right place and invite him to sit down.

When he pulls himself back together, Juha leans away from them. “I’m sorry. For all of this. I know I’m being dramatic about this for absolutely no reason.”

“You’re not being dramatic. Want to hear something?” As sits back against the pillows and pulls one knee up to their chest, and Juha sits up a little straighter and nods. “He asked me what the odds were of you two sharing a room. Like, if you’d be okay with it.”

_ Oh my God. _ “Somehow I think you’re making that up to make me feel better.”

“I’d never. You’re far too important to me for me to make up lies like that.” As smiles at him and Juha has to admit that yeah, that is probably the truth. “He did ask me, though. A few times. If you’d be fine with it. If you wanted to be in a room with him.”

Juha bites down on his lower lip, then forces himself to stop that. “Did he really?”

“I’ve shared a bed with him before because of accommodations and.” As waves a hand at him. “You need to know that he’s kind of… Sometimes he’ll cuddle up when he’s asleep.”

Oh. Oh no. “If he does that, I’m going to die. You realize that, right? I can’t survive that.”

“You’re not freaking out in the way I thought you’d be, so it must be okay,” As murmurs, and Juha realizes what they mean. That he isn’t worried about Jugram touching him when he’s in bed. When he can’t wear his binder or anything. “Are you okay with that?”

“I can’t pretend I haven’t thought about it. Like. You know. Thinking about stupid things, like if we’d ever date. How that’d go.” Because Juha is an idiot and maybe he even thought about it on the drive. Maybe he imagined it was just the two of them in the car, Jugram’s careful driving and his own music playing through the speakers. “He’d touch me without it on eventually. Maybe even see me without it on. I have to not care, because it’ll happen.”

As’s expression is pinched. “You can always tell him not to. He’d never force the—”

“I know he wouldn’t assault me. That’s not that I mean.” Juha feels his face going hot. It’s always so hard to talk about these things, even with someone as easy to talk to as As. “I just mean, like… I’d  _ want _ him to, eventually. I don’t want to be distant forever.”

The space he puts between himself and everyone else should never be permanent.

“That’s good that you’ve thought about it, though.” As pats the spot next to them, already fishing their phone out of their pocket. “Come up here and take a picture with me real quick. I promised Giselle I’d keep her updated about what’s going on up here.”

Juha looks at the window over their shoulder. “You telling me you have service out here?”

“I have enough service.” As looks at him pointedly. “Come sit next to me.”

He knows better than to try to dodge the picture and so acquiesces, sitting next to As against the pile of pillows and the headboard. His chin comes to rest on their shoulder and they smile visibly in the viewfinder before trying to school their expression into something a little more dramatic and fitting. The natural light behind them is incredible.

Juha has never wanted to be  _ pretty, _ though he’s kind of accepted that’s what he looks like right now. He never asks for it the way some of the others want it. Kusaka pretty much doesn’t care what people think when they look at them as long as they think “pretty” and As is so beautiful that it makes Juha’s heart feel light and warm every time he looks at them. Not in a romantic way, just in a  _ I’m so glad you’re my beautiful happy friend _ way. And he isn’t used to that. He’s still working on it along with everything else.

As snaps the picture and makes a satisfied sound. “There, that looks nice, doesn’t it?”

Even though Juha used to hate looking at his own reflection, he doesn’t mind so much when he looks at himself next to As. They both look nice, and he thinks the light in his eyes is finally back after its years-long sabbatical. “Yeah. Don’t forget to tag me in it.”

“As if I’d ever.” As posts the photo and then smiles at him, and there’s this telling glitter in their eyes. “I can’t  _ wait _ to sneak pictures of you and Jugram being a cute couple.”

“You’re going to have to wait because that’s never going to happen.” Juha sticks his tongue out at them and As pouts at him while he stands to help them put away the rest of their things. They always do bring a lot of clothes with them wherever they go.

He sees As make a cute face at the phone and slips out his own to check if it’s the photo, unsurprised to see Cang Du has left a sappy sweet comment underneath it. Because of course he did, the two of them should just be  _ married _ by this point.

Juha has never been jealous of them, but they give him something to want. To strive for. He wants someone who leaves stupidly nice comments on all of his pictures even though he sees them every day. He wants someone who fits into every space of his body like they were made to be a pair instead of just two separate people. He’s his own person, and he knows that, but it doesn’t stop him from wanting to find his own soulmate, too.

As helps him finish putting away clothes after a few minutes and by the time they finish, Juha inhales, exhales, and speaks. “I really don’t mind sharing a room with him.”

“I didn’t think you would,” As quips. “Are you sure the bed sharing part is going to be fine?”

“Yeah. I really don’t mind if he… Yeah.” It wouldn’t be  _ awful _ to wake up in someone’s arms.

“Good.” As kisses him on the forehead. “Now let’s go downstairs because I want to sit in my boyfriend’s lap and tell him how much I love him for the thirtieth time today.”

There are precious few places to sit downstairs with so many of them, and Juha wonders if it’s staged or an accident that the only open place is beside Jugram. That being said, he still manages to get the question out of his mouth. “Can I sit here?”

“Sure.” Jugram gives him space and it’s still going to be a close fit, but Juha doesn’t mind. He can’t mind. The two of them are going to be sleeping in the same bed and he might wake up with Jugram pressed up against him and that… He doesn’t want to think about that.

So he sits down and watches Jugram drink cocoa and just… Just looks at him, really, out of the corner of his eye. The strong shape of his profile, the golden curl of his eyelashes, the sharpness of his jaw… The smear of whipped cream on his nose.  _ Oh no. _

“Hey.” It doesn’t come out as forced as he fears and he tells himself to relax. That As wouldn’t say Jugram likes him if it wasn’t true even if he wants to hear it. As would never want to hurt him like that. “You’ve, ah…” He swallows a little. “Just hold still.”

Touching him feels odd but Juha soldiers through it anyway, wiping the dab of whipped cream off of his nose as gently as he can. Jugram is still a little cold from being outside, probably, but his skin is so soft and his eyes, staring right into Juha’s, are so green. It puts all the greenery outside to shame. No wonder it’s all trying to hide beneath the snow as fast as possible with a man like this around.

“Not a good look,” Juha manages, trying for somewhat of a smile to lessen the tension.

To his immense relief, Jugram smiles at him. “My bad. Thanks for the fashion tip, though.”

“No problem.” And he doesn’t even think about it when he licks the whipped cream off of his fingers, attention shifting to Askin, who raises his eyebrows. “Did you make this? As told me before coming that you made legendary hot chocolate.”

“I did. I can make you some.” Askin’s smile says something that Juha doesn’t want to think about right now. His hand feels like it’s on fire, anyway.

“That’d be really nice, thank you.” Juha settles back against the couch and lets his shoulders loosen while Askin slips off of the arm of Lille’s chair and goes back into the kitchen, humming to himself as he goes. He seems like a pleasant enough person.

Lille tips him a wink and Juha offers him a tentative smile. Maybe things are going to be okay. All he has to do is let himself relax and enjoy the trip, and maybe not think so hard about things. Maybe he can just… Let go for now and see what happens.

As promised him, after all. Jugram wouldn’t hurt him like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as and juha have the CUTEST friendship also //trips and drops my favorite movie characters on the floor// oh no


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's some pretty heavy discussions of transphobia in this chapter as well as some mentions at the end of intimate partner violence, so head's up everyone.

* * *

 

It is well past midnight when any of them are tired enough to retire for the evening.

Everyone says their goodnights in the living room before heading to their respective rooms. Bazz announces his entry into the room he’s sharing with Gremmy with a loud _whoop_ that prompts a barely choked-off curse in return; Jugram reminds himself to say something about that in the morning but for now doesn’t care. If Bazz is going to bed, Gremmy will be wrestled away from his console for the night, which is what matters.

As is too tired to walk, or so they say. Cang Du carries them bridal style like they weigh nothing up the stairs, and the smug little smile on their face says it all.

Lille and Askin’s bedroom is on the ground floor, the only room that is, tucked away down the hallway just past the downstairs bedroom. Lucky that they don’t have to worry about the stairs first thing in the morning, but Jugram _likes_ having the biggest bedroom.

When he shuts the door behind himself, though, he feels awkward all the way through. There has been a buffer between him and Juha for most of the day, or at least the implication of one. The others were always nearby and awake. Now, though…

Juha must feel it, too, from the way he stretches a hand up, slips it under the back of his hair to rub at the nape of his neck. His hair is longer than it was the first time Jugram saw him, long enough to cover the back of his neck, a soft and shaggy fall that he wants to touch, comb his fingers through. He bets it’s soft because Juha takes such good care of himself and he dresses like he cares what people see when they look at him.

Oh. Of course he cares what people see when they look at him. Jugram is an _idiot._

“I need to, ah, change.” Juha looks away from him, at the window. “Can you pull those?”

“Of course.” Jugram walks past him to do just that, closing out the impressive night view. The moon is high and full in the sky, casting brilliant silver light over everything else.

There is a long and tense silence between the two of them that Jugram tries valiantly to ignore when he walks over to the dresser to get out what he plans on sleeping in. He realizes, belatedly, that he should have thought about this before he left, but he was expecting to share the room with Bazz. When it comes to most of this group, he would be fine with sleeping as he normally does. He has before, after all. But things… Did not exactly end up like how he planned for them and he’s facing an interesting dilemma here.

Should he correct it or ask? Well, the last time he tried to correct something without asking… “I normally sleep without a shirt on. Is that going to be a problem?”

“What?” Juha’s voice sounds a little off. “Uh, I mean, I don’t care. It’s a big bed.”

“All right.” Jugram lets it go and fishes a pair of pajama pants out of the drawer, and when he turns back around, Juha’s arms move with frightening speed, pinning the fabric of his sweater to his chest. He’d been in the process of taking it off. “Oh. I’m sorry.”

He feels like he should look away. Juha looks… Close to terrified. His eyes are wide and there’s a high flush along his cheekbones, and Jugram wonders if he was supposed to keep his back turned. If that’s what Juha telling him he was getting changed was supposed to mean. In which case, he read that wrong, and he fucked up. Probably far too much to correct, which makes him feel bad because it means Juha trusted him.

“No. It’s.” Juha looks away from him, and Jugram can see the black straps of his binder on his shoulders. He’s seen them before. He walked into As’s apartment once when a friend was over, and he was wearing just that and nothing else. It was hot during the summer. Jugram didn’t blame him for the choice, and he didn’t judge him for it.

Jugram can tell he’s trying, so he leans his back against the dresser, sets his pants on top of it, and skims his own long-sleeved shirt up and over his head, tossing it on the floor. “You don’t have to feel awkward. I’ve been in changing rooms with other guys before.”

Whatever he says, it must be right. Juha sighs and drops the sweater, and Jugram looks pointedly away from his chest. He focuses on getting out of his jeans and into his pants instead. Juha is doing something brave, so he should enable and support that.

When he’s changed, he walks away from the dresser so he can plug his phone up to charge it, checking his notifications and social media feeds. When Juha has his back to him, he does break and look up at him. He has a nice back, smooth and pretty, shoulders tapering down into his waist. Jugram’s never considered himself a _back_ guy, but.

Juha could make him a lot of things, if he’s being entirely honest with himself.

There are a few messages from a few members of the fencing team that he replies to in rapid succession. Twitter is uninteresting. Instagram is more so. He skims a few pictures here and there. He follows too many people, probably, but he just hits everything on his Suggestion list once a week or so. A lot of As’s friends are on here now.

He almost skips the selfie the first time he sees it, but then he skims back up as soon as he realizes what he’s done. And feels something weird in his chest at the sight of As and Juha side by side, backlit by the white winter light like _angels._

He has such a beautiful friend. He knows that. Ever since he met As, he’s known that. But holy _shit,_ it hits different when he looks at Juha like this. He looks more relaxed in this single picture than Jugram has ever seen. He looks _gorgeous_ in more ways than one.

“I’m sorry for making things weird. I change in front of the team all the time but I’m not used to having to take my binder off in front of someone, so I— Oh.” Juha’s voice just stops and Jugram looks back to see him standing on the other side of the bed. He can see the screen of Jugram’s phone from that angle. “As looks really good in everything, right?”

“They’re really perfect,” Jugram agrees, and he hopes Juha knows he means that.

Sometimes he thinks that other people who aren’t in their group think it’s just a courtesy for him to say nice things about As. It pisses him off; As doesn’t _need_ courtesy, they need a modeling contract and for the whole world to see just how beautiful they are inside and out and _envy_ that because there has never been anyone like them.

Jugram digresses. He loves his friends, and no one ever appreciates them like he wants.

Juha sits on the edge of the bed. He looks small. He brought a proper set of pajamas with him, but they’re overly large, which is really when pajamas are at their most comfortable. The fabric is a dark, dark blue, and he looks so nice in jewel tones. “I thought that when I first met them. Like, oh my God. This person looks like an angel, but goth.”

“They do wear a lot of black,” Jugram agrees. He thinks it might be their signature color.

“Yeah.” Juha picks at the bottom of his shirt, plays with the buttons. “I thought I could just take it off in front of you and it wouldn’t be weird. But then I got freaked out.”

That was what Jugram would have guessed if he thought about it. He studies Juha’s profile, the way his expression is pinched. “I don’t know much about what you’re going through.” He says it very slowly, making sure to enunciate each other. To make it sincere, because he is. “But can I, I don’t know, say something? Just one thing?”

Juha looks at him with those pretty dark red eyes and nods a little. “Um, sure.”

“I guess I understand wanting to prove something to yourself, but you don’t have to prove yourself to me.” He hopes this doesn’t make things worse for Juha, who already goes through things he will never understand. Or hope to understand. “If it’s going to make being around me uncomfortable especially. I’d rather you be comfy.”

“Oh. Okay.” Juha exhales slowly, and he looks a little better. “Thank you.”

“Of course.” Jugram looks down at his phone, likes the photo, and brings up his keyboard to type a caption. Cang Du has already left a sappy one about _light of my life, center of my universe, stars in my sky._ He’s always like that. Some of their friends have already said nice things about them both, and they both deserve to have all those kinds words.

Jugram usually doesn’t let himself be so _obvious_ but. But just this once, he thinks. _I can’t tell if the light is coming from behind you both or from you. You’re both angels._

He puts his phone on the charger and pretends not to notice when Juha picks his up, but there’s no really missing the way he fumbles it and nearly drops it a moment later. _Please_ let that be because he’s happy about the compliment and not because he’s disgusted.

That is definitely a thought. Maybe Jugram grosses him out. That would be _bad._

“You’re sweet,” Juha manages to choke out, and Jugram peeks at him. He looks flustered, a lot warmer than he did a moment ago. “You didn’t have to say that, though.”

“I wanted to say it. You both deserved to hear it. It’s just the truth.” _Shut up shut up shut up._ “I’m surprised you actually don’t already have a boyfriend to say nice things to you.”

Oh _no._ If As was in the room right now, they would smack him for something that obvious.

Juha’s face changes, then. Some of the color leaves it, and he likes the comment and sets his phone on the charger next to his nightstand. It was the wrong comment to make, Jugram can already tell. “I’m gay. It’s not easy to find a boyfriend when you’re gay and trans. I’m not even interested in that many guys but I’ve heard a lot of horror stories that kind of put me off of it. I don’t want to be an experiment for someone’s sexuality.”

The comment makes Jugram’s heart drop down into his stomach. “People really say that?”

“Because I don’t have a dick, yeah, they’d say that. I used to talk to people online about it sometimes, or just read things that people posted to feel less alone.” Juha is angry about this; his hands twist in the fabric of his pants, and his voice gets sharp. “Cis gay guys will be like, _oh, you have a vagina? I’ve always been curious about that_ and I don’t honestly think I could take that. I’d probably have a breakdown then and there.”

It’s so raw and sudden and Jugram feels like an asshole for even bringing it up in the first place. “I’m sorry. That was a really stupid question for me to ask.”

“No. It’s not your fault you don’t know.” Juha rubs his hands over his face and Jugram rests a hand on his back, rubbing a small and hopefully soothing circle. “I guess it’s not for everyone. I just wish they’d be open with it instead of springing it like that.”

It’s one of the better reasons not to pursue any kind of relationship that Jugram has ever heard, that much is for sure. “If anyone ever said that to you, I’d break their face.”

Juha laughs and shakes his head. “You’d get in so much trouble. You’d get, like, expelled.”

“That’s fine. I told As the same thing. So the offer’s there.” Jugram realizes belatedly that he’s just… Touching Juha, and Juha seems fine with it. So there’s that, he thinks. “You deserve better than that, though. You deserve, like… A good boyfriend.”

“Sometimes I think it’d be better to just not date anyone ever because I can’t imagine myself being in a happy relationship. But then I see As and Cang Du and I feel stupid for being dramatic.” Juha rolls his eyes, but his smile is fond, and Jugram understands it.

Seeing the people you care about fall in love and make it work is inspiring.

Juha pulls a knee up to his chest and looks at him. “I feel like this is not exactly bedtime conversation. We’re supposed to talk about stupid existential stuff before bed.”

“Is that what most people do? Bazz usually just starts ranking celebrities in the news on a scale of how much he wants to have sex with them.” The comment makes Juha chuckle, and it’s a nice sound. _Every_ sound that comes out of him is nice. His voice is like velvet, so deep. Not quite smooth, a little textured, but it’s beautiful. “I like that you’re letting me in.”

The smile slips from Juha’s face a little. His expression is serious now. “Oh. Um. I guess it just kind of… Spilled out all at once, huh? I’m sorry. I don’t usually do that.”

“It wasn’t sarcasm. I was serious when I said I wanted you to be on good terms with all of us. I really am happy you’re telling me these things.” It’s going to teach him in more ways than one, to be a good friend and _hopefully_ be the partner Juha deserves.

“Thank you.” Juha’s face is still serious, but sincere. Like he means it. “I guess I don’t have a lot of friends in my life other than As. And it was shitty of me to say we were just acquainted back in the gym. I don’t know what I’d do if they weren’t in my life.”

Jugram pats him on the back and then makes himself take his hand away. “It’s okay. I get it. You were just defensive, and sometimes people say things they don’t mean. I didn’t for a second think you didn’t care about As. Everyone who knows them loves them.”

“Right? They’re so perfect.” Juha sighs. It moves his entire body. “I want to be like that. To feel like things are so easy. To feel comfortable. I guess I will one day.”

“It might take time, but you definitely will,” Jugram reassures him. They don’t have to have the same experience for him to understand a little of trying to feel all right in your own skin when it feels like it’s wrong, or that it’s been ruined by someone or something.

Juha looks tired when he muffles a yawn against the palm of his hand. “Thank you so much.”

“Of course. Now we should probably both get to bed. It’s late.” Jugram turns off the lamp on his side of the bed, and Juha does the same before they both lie down.

The bed is large enough that neither of them have to touch, but Jugram always initially feels awkward when he has to share a bed with another person. What position should he lay in, he has to be mindful of his arms and legs, he can’t switch positions too much because he has another person to worry about. But Juha puts his back to Jugram, so that makes it okay to lay facing him. It makes Jugram extra aware of the moment Juha’s breathing starts to slow, when he’s finally asleep and at peace for the night.

He lets himself, in the dark and quiet of the bedroom, be angry in a way he hasn’t in a long time. In a way he hasn’t since he and As first started seriously talking to one another.

There was an awkward pre-friendship phase where As only came around with Cang Du and they were Cang Du’s boyfriend, not really Jugram’s friend. But after the two of them got to know one another, As opened up about their ex. The one who thought they were just androynous in style, who misgendered them all the time, who lashed out at them physically when a simple correction turned into a full-blown argument that became so much more. The one who left the scar on their face and deep within their heart.

By the time Jugram knew them, the wound healed. As wasn’t self-conscious, and the masks they used to wear religiously were more of a fashion statement and for colder days to protect their lips from drying out. Cang Du loved them in a way no one ever had, and they weren’t scared of him. His patience and kindness made them unafraid of everyone.

Jugram didn’t know them when it happened, but he wished he had. He wanted to find As’s ex and punch him. Repeatedly. And demand to know what gave him the right to do something like that over something as fucking stupid and meaningless as genitals.

He lives a very privileged life to never have to worry about something like that.

Staring at Juha’s back doesn’t make it easier. He wants to hold him. He wants to protect him. He wants to keep him safe from everyone who might hurt him, not just verbally but physically because of who he is. And he wants to be his boyfriend, someone who can love him even when he doesn’t love himself. Someone he can trust and not be afraid of.

He’s still gripping that righteous anger in an iron fist when the fatigue makes him pass out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jugo just wants to be a good boyfriend :(


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> buckle up kiddos there is a mention of physical familial abuse in this chapter

* * *

 

Having the forewarning that he is going to wake up in Jugram’s arms absolutely does not prepare for the reality of it. Juha goes breathless as soon as his eyes are open.

When he got into bed with Jugram, he tried to sleep with his back to him thinking that waking up spooning would be less awkward no matter who woke up first. Likely, in his sleep, he was cold and curled into the nearest source of warmth, maybe even rolling over to reach for him. The details matter less than the reality of waking up with his face centimeters away from Jugram’s bare chest, pale skin pulled taut over muscle that looks smooth and warm to the touch. A few seconds later, he realizes he  _ is _ touching him.

His hands are pressed against the broad plane of Jugram’s back under the blanket, resting comfortably in the dip in his back just above the waistband of his pajama pants. It would mortify him more if Jugram was not, in fact, holding him in return, but he can feel Jugram’s arms around him. One of them has wiggled underneath him, wrapped all the way around so his hand is resting on Juha’s opposite hip while the other is tucked into the small of his back, keeping him as close as possible. He’s never woken up so warm before.

The skin under his fingers feels like velvet, and he’s never wanted to touch another person so badly in his life. He wants to run his hands all over Jugram’s body, but not like this.

If he was a better person, he would wiggle his way free or wake Jugram up to alert him about their bodily positions, but this is… He’s starving for contact just like this. He tucks his head back up under Jugram’s chin where it was and closes his eyes, just drinking in his closeness and warmth and quiet strength for as long as he can.

Why can’t he deserve this as much as other people do? Why can’t he just have this?

Jugram’s breathing is steady and slow and his chest rises and falls with the movement; soft warm tufts of air stir the head on top of Juha’s head. It’s so pleasant. He could wake up every morning just like this and never feel like it was a mistake he’d made.

_ Stop thinking like that when he doesn’t belong to you. _

When Jugram stirs, though, his heart starts beating too fast. He should play it cool or pretend he’s still asleep but instead he looks up at him, peeking through his lashes. Watching Jugram blink awake slowly, the dimness of the light in the room doing absolutely nothing to undercut how gorgeous he is. He still looks like an angel from heaven like this.

“G’morning.” He smiles plesantly, shifts, and then stops. “Oh. Oh, we’re… I’m sorry.”

Juha swallows hard at the apology, but he understands. This is just a sleeping tic. It has nothing to do with him, Jugram wouldn’t  _ choose _ this. “It’s okay. As told me about it.”

“That’s good. I wouldn’t want you to think I’d grabbed you while you were asleep. Not on purpose, anyway.” Jugram leans back a little to look down at him, and Juha realizes just how close they are. How easy it would be to kiss him like this. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Maybe he should say no, that this is not okay, that he doesn’t want to be held like this, but so much of that would be a lie. He doesn’t want Jugram to feel bad, and he doesn’t think he should have anything to hide. At least, it does not feel that way.

Trying to figure out if Jugram likes him around As’s honey-sweet words is difficult, because Juha wants to believe he does. It would make life simpler for him and he could stop hiding his feelings, unwind himself a little, and open his heart up for the first time for someone who might be able to make him happy. But he can’t just believe that, because what if As is trying to make him feel better about an unwinnable situation?

What if Jugram was just trying to be nice when talking about him to them?

Sleepy green eyes study him for a moment, as if trying to pick him apart in some way. It makes him hyper aware of a few things, like how their legs are tangled together and how his chest is close to Jugram’s own. How he doesn’t seem to notice the difference in their bodies, and how Juha doesn’t want to die of shame that he can likely feel them.

It makes him think of last night, of trying to be brave and failing, and Jugram’s comfort.

“Do you want me to let you go?” Jugram asks, and his voice is soft and hoarse. Husky.

Juha swallows hard at the question. No, he absolutely does not want that. He’s never wanted anything less in his life, but his voice is so small when he says, “No?”

“All right.” Jugram’s body goes lax against the mattress, and the hand in the small of Juha’s back pets him there just a little. “I hope you’re not uncomfortable.”

“It’s nice.” He doesn’t know what to do other than lie here and would go rigid in seconds, but Jugram’s gentle touch refuses to let him tense up. He softens into it, curling back against Jugram’s chest, and tucks his head back under Jugram’s chin.

This is so  _ stupid, _ lying here in this man’s arms instead of just telling him how he feels about him. He’s just a  _ boy, _ he’s a human being just like anyone else Juha knows, and it shouldn’t be impossible to tell him that he’s beautiful, that he deserves good things, that Juha wants to wrap his hands in all of that soft golden hair and kiss him. That he doesn’t understand why Jugram has no one, because everyone should want to be with him.

It shouldn’t be hard to be honest with that if he could be honest with this, but Jugram just hums softly and cuddles him a little closer, hand smoothing up and down his back.

“You asked me last night,” he says, aware that his mouth is almost touching Jugram’s throat, “that you didn’t understand why I don’t have a boyfriend. Why don’t you?”

Jugram’s hand stops moving on his back for a moment before resuming its pace. “I’ve had a few, but it’s messy. It’s very hard to move on from some things that have hurt me.”

_ Hurt him? _ “I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have just asked it like that.”

“I don’t mind. I asked you, so it’s a fair question. We all have baggage, some heavier than others. I just find it harder to put mine down.” Jugram sighs softly, and Juha can feel the entire motion through his whole body. “I don’t like putting people through that.”

Juha squeezes his eyes shut. Hearing that hurts. “You really deserve someone nice. You’re nice, so you should have someone nice. Like As and Cang Du have each other.”

“That’s true. Did I ever tell you how I met Cang Du?” When Juha gives his head a little shake, Jugram continues. “I found him crying on one of the stairwells. I guess his girlfriend had just broken up with him in front of like, everybody they knew.”

“I didn’t even know he liked girls,” Juha admits. It was hard to think of him as like, having a sexuality that mattered. Just like he knows As is gay, but he doesn’t  _ think _ of it. He just thinks of the two of them and how they fit together like there could never be anyone else.

“He’s bisexual,” Jugram says. “So that happened and I found him just sitting on a stairwell crying, and I felt bad because, you know, he was crying. So I sat down with him and dug some tissues out of my bag and he told me about it. And then he looked at me and asked me what was wrong and then I started crying. It had been a bad day for both of us.”

The very tiny sound that comes out of Juha’s throat is pitiful and he fails to swallow it back down before it escapes. “I’m so sorry for both of you.”

“So we talked for a long time. I missed my class, but it was okay. We exchanged numbers, went out for coffee the next day. Friends ever since.” Jugram nuzzles down into the top of his hair a little and Juha’s heart goes skittery and weird because oh, it’s so nice. Everything about this man is so perfect and desirable. “So from the first day I knew him, he was looking out for me even though I’d found him hiccupping into his hands.”

“It’s hard to think about either of them sad,” Juha admits. “It makes my heart hurt.”

Jugram nods a little. “Mine, too. I guess with really good people, you want them to be happy all the time because you know they deserve to be happy. With all that goodness.”

“You deserve to be happy,” Juha says firmly. “You’re good like they are. I can tell.”

“And you’re sweet, because I don’t really think that that’s true. It’s hard to think it sometimes at all.” Jugram sounds so sad, and Juha… Really hates him sounding like that.

He wishes he knew him well enough to counter the point, but he doesn’t. Not at all.

They lie together in silence for a few minutes, and Juha soaks up the warmth because he gets cold too easily during the water. When Jugram keeps rubbing his back, he takes that as an invitation to touch in return, tracing his fingers up Jugram’s spine before moving over to the broad muscled planes of his shoulder blades. Physically, his body is perfect. Juha is certain of this even when his fingers skitter over a knot of scar tissue that makes him freeze and retrace his steps. It feels too  _ long _ to be an accident.

“So you found it,” Jugram says softly. “My uncle did that to me when I was just twelve.”

“What?” Juha can’t keep the horrified sound out of his voice, not about this.

Because Jugram’s family is important, Juha knows some things. That his parents passed away, that his uncle took him in. His heart speeds up a little bit and he covers the scar with his hand as much as he can, as if he can somehow make it, and the pain, go away.

Jugram sighs. It moves his entire body. “Dumping this on you feels bad. I shouldn’t have said anything at all. It was just… A reaction. Please forget I said anything.”

“I thought you wanted us to be friends and open up to each other.” Juha leans back a little to look up at him, but Jugram won’t meet his eyes this time. It must be bad, whatever he wants to hide. “You don’t have to tell me. If you say you want to forget it, I will. But if you just don’t want to tell me because you think it’ll make you bad… It won’t.”

“It’s just not something I wanted to come right out with without a warning,” Jugram says.

Juha hugs him a little tighter. “It’s okay. It happens, right? You can tell me if you want to.”

He thinks that Jugram is going to swallow it back down but instead he meets Juha’s eyes directly, and the anguish in his gaze is… Indescribable. “We got into an argument one night and he smashed a bottle over my back. I guess the neck of it shattered immediately and it just… Dragged down my skin. The scar’s been there ever since.”

“Oh.” Juha doesn’t know what to say. “You were a kid. What the fuck was wrong with him?”

“So much. He was a terrible man. I moved out as soon as I could for a reason.” Jugram lets his head fall back against the pillow, his smile bitter. “And now I have that scar forever.”

Gently, Juha presses his forehead against Jugram’s collarbones. “It’s not bad that you have it. You… Something bad happened to you. It’s not your fault he did that. No one should ever  _ hit _ a child, much less do that to them. I’m so sorry, Jugram.”

“I lived. I’m just unhappy about it happening is all.” Jugram curls back around him and hugs him a little tighter; Juha isn’t imagining it. “Thank you for looking after me this morning.”

“I’m happy to help.” Juha hugs him back. It feels like he’s clinging to him.

They lie there together until footsteps race down the hallway, someone thumping hard on the door a moment later. “Bro! Wake up! Breakfast downstairs! Askin made waffles!”

Jugram sighs and lifts his head, raising his voice to yell back. “We’ll be there in a minute!”

Gremmy— it has to be Gremmy— hurries back away, and Jugram flops back down against the bed with a sigh. “And I didn’t want to get up yet. This is actually very nice.”

“It is. Well. We’re sharing a room, so it’ll probably happen again, right? Because it’s a sleeping tic of yours.” It feels weird just to say that, but Jugram smiles faintly, so maybe it was fine after all. Juha overthinks so many things. “If. If you’d just want to skip waiting to wake up like this, I wouldn’t necessarily  _ mind _ falling asleep like this.”

“Oh. Okay.” Jugram skims a hand up his back again, and this time he  _ is _ properly smiling.

They only drag themselves away from each other with that decision to get dressed, and this time, Juha does force himself to just undress and dress like he would if he was in his dorm room alone. Jugram doesn’t pay special attention to him and isn’t trying to creep on him; As would never be friends with someone who would do that to anyone. It still makes his heart rate creep a bit higher than normal, but he manages without dying to get his binder on and adjusted properly and then into a long-sleeved shirt and jeans. And socks, because he gets cold, and he doesn’t want to not be able to feel his feet.

He’s debating about putting a sweater on top of the shirt when Jugram clears his throat. “Are you like As? They get cold a lot during the winter, too.”

“Yeah, a bit,” Juha admits, picking at the fabric on one sweater. The fits are a little too tight to wear comfortably with a shirt underneath. He should have thought of that.

Jugram is next to him, then, holding out something to him. A sweatshirt, he realizes belatedly. “Then here. It’s warm, and I brought a few, so I can spare it. I’m used to waking up wrapped around people but you being wrapped around me made me think you were cold.”

“Maybe you were just nice to be wrapped around,” Juha says without thinking about it.

It’s the first time he sees Jugram lose some of that unflappable cool attitude of his. He’s looking at him when he says it and he notices the way Jugram’s eyes widen slightly, the way his cheeks turn just a little pinker.  _ Oh no. _ He’s so cute it’s hard not to look away.

“Oh.” He blinks twice, then sets the sweatshirt in Juha’s hands. “Well. That’s nice to say.”

“Um. Yeah. Thank you.” Juha shakes the sweatshirt out and pulls it over his head, and it’s soft and warm and big on him. It’s  _ perfect _ and what he should have brought himself.

Jugram still looks just a little shell-shocked, and it’s… It’s so  _ cute _ . It hurts to look at him, like he’s too precious. Juha just wants to hide him away from the rest of the cruel, shitty world that made him cry and hurt him because he doesn’t deserve to have to live in it. “You look nice in my sweatshirt. I should just let you keep it after the trip if you like it.”

This is so childish, Juha thinks, dancing around this. Either Jugram really does like him like As says, or he’s making him incredibly uncomfortable, but he’s flirting back. He wanted to cuddle in bed. He wants to cuddle  _ more _ in bed and—

Another hard bang on the door makes them both jump, and this time it’s Lille’s voice that comes through the door. “Kiddo’s gonna eat his weight in waffles if you don’t come on.”

“We’re coming down,” Jugram says back, though his voice is noticeably weaker than before.

Juha walks past him to the door, the tips of his ears burning as he tries to walk down the stairs as casually as possible, taking slow and deep breaths to keep himself calm. He’d been  _ right _ there and the moment was broken, so maybe it was a sign from the universe.

The moment he steps into the kitchen, As catches his eye. Their own blow significantly wider once they noticed the sweatshirt and a slow, sly little smile sneaks across their face, one he can’t openly address without causing a scene but one that says the  _ second _ they get time alone with each other, As is going to question him relentlessly. He is going to sound like an idiot for ever arguing that Jugram isn’t at least a little attracted to him now.

Gremmy looks up at him, mouth smeared with whipped cream, and his face goes adorably puzzled just before he opens his mouth to say  _ something _ that Bazz cuts off by smacking him on the back. “Would you fucking chew your food before you open your mouth?”

Juha sits down at the table between As and Lille and tries very hard to ignore the way As leans against him and snickers in his ear. He can’t help the tiny smile on his face, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these two are idiots and i love them


	8. Chapter 8

If Jugram is being honest with himself, he was a little in love with Cang Du for the first three weeks they knew each other. Just long enough for it to fizzle out so they could be proper friends without him embarrassing himself in the process.

He hasn’t known him as long as he’s known Bazz, but it feels like he’s known him for longer than just a couple of years. They met as freshmen when both of them struggled and hurt and needed someone who understood what it felt like to hurt that way, something Bazz couldn’t ever despite his best efforts. He was always Jugram’s shoulder when they were younger, watched over him and asked after him and cared about him when there was no one else, but Cang Du understood that deep, twisting ache inside of him better than anyone.

By the time he met As, he was smiling more and brooding less. By the time he started dating As, he stopped brooding all together. Even when he’s on his own, there’s a quiet little smile playing at the corners of his lips as if their presence is always there and always wrapped around him, keeping him safe from the cold, cruel chill of the world.

He is wearing that same smile when all of them are together outside, hiking up one of the safe trails of the mountain for a better view. It’s an easy enough trek for their first real day of their holiday, and the dirt has not iced over enough to be dangerous. It’s safe.

“Did you wake up all wrapped around him?” Cang Du asks. The two of them are at the back of the group while As and Juha are near the front just behind Lille, who blocks out most of the wind with his impressive width. “I remember what sharing a bed with you is like.”

Jugram scoffs at him. “Of course I did. I was horrified. He  _ knew _ because As told him. I love your partner so much but I had no idea they told him about that.”

“It was just a warning. Anyone would want to know if their bedmate turned into an octopus in his sleep.” Cang Du’s words break up a little because he’s trying to swallow a laugh.

“Still. He  _ knew. _ I wanted to die when I realized what I’d done.” He hoped in the back of his mind he would somehow be able to resist, but he’d woken up more tangled with Juha than he has with anyone else. “He was wrapped around me, too, though.”

“Oh?” Cang Du raises an eyebrow at him, urging him to go on.

Instead, Jugram poses a question to him. “How did you know you were in love with As?”

“Is that a real question?” Cang Du’s deadpan is impress. It used to be the way he talked all the time, which made talking to him so difficult. “I always knew. From day one.”

“But like, when you  _ really _ knew. When you were certain that moving forward romantically was something you could pose without them rejecting you,” Jugram says.

This time, Cang Du just looks at him. “I guess I didn’t share? They asked me first.”

“Then I’m asking the wrong person,” Jugram mutters. “Wait, did they really? They were so shy when I first met them. I couldn’t imagine them doing something like that.”

“Yeah. They told me I was so handsome and kissed me on the mouth on our first date.” Cang Du is positively beaming with this, and Jugram grins at him, unembarrassed. He’s so glad his friend is happy. “I was so shocked. I thought it was awkward and I messed up. But I just asked them to be my partner then and there and they said yes.”

“Of course they said yes. Who’d pass up a chance to date you?” Jugram asks.

Cang Du nudges him with his elbow, but it’s gentle. “If you woke up with him wrapped around you, that’s probably a good sign. Don’t think I didn’t notice the hoodie. I was with you when you bought it, I’m probably the first one who made the connection.”

“He was cold.” Jugram sighs when Cang Du looks at him. “And cute. I wanted to help him.”

Bazz looks back at them, turning to walk backwards. A dangerous choice. “What are we talking about? Hey, wait, did you check Twitter before bed? I flirted with that cute guy in welding and I think it went really well. Shame it’s like, public.”

“Grimmjow?” Jugram says the name hesitantly because it’s not a name he’s familiar enough with, but Bazz immediately nods. “Oh, nice. Did he post another hot selfie?”

“So hot. His abs are to die for.” Bazz looks like he may swoon. He’d fall off the mountain.

“Are you going to get around to asking him out when we get back on campus? I’d assume someone in our group should probably have a little bit of common sense,” Cang Du says.

Jugram tips his head back, sunlight warming his face. “Now, that is not quite fair.”

“I am. As soon as we get back I’m gonna meet up with him at the gym and talk to him about it because like… How can I not? The chemistry is off the charts.” Bazz winks at them both, and he looks devious. He’s always at his best when he’s planning something romantic or stupid, or both. Especially both. “I’m gonna wear that crop top, y’know, the one Bambietta always made fun of me for? But I look so good in it. He’s gonna go crazy for it.”

“If Grimmjow’s anything like what you’ve told us, he probably will,” Jugram concedes.

Askin looks back at all three of them. “Can you three meatheads bother to keep up with the rest of us? We’ll be halfway down the mountain before you get to the best view.”

As falls back to where they’re walking and wraps both of their arms around Cang Du’s, looking up at him with a curious little glint in their big dark eyes. Jugram used to think they looked like a pretty, pale deer when the two of them met. “What are you three back here whispering about? You know you don’t ever keep secrets when it comes to me.”

“Talking about Jugo’s lack of a love life, I think,” Bazz says. “And then I intruded to talk about how I’m totally gonna have one soon. Hey, you think Gigi is gonna ask—”

“If we even talk about it,” Cang Du immediately interrupts, “we’re going to jinx it.”

“And she will know and she will kill us for it,” Jugram adds, and they all share a small laugh.

Out of the corner of his eye, he watches Cang Du and As while they all pick up the pace to catch up with the others. The two of them always stick close together when they can, always touching, always trying to make themselves one person instead of two. Even without talking, they have this way of looking at each other and smiling, as if there’s something the two of them are saying to each other. They probably have some kind of a mental link.

He wants to reach out, cup the back of their heads, and push them together like dolls.

In the back of his mind, he kind of knows that’s how the others feel about his attraction to Juha and how dumb he’s been about it. It’s been a while now, and As wanted them to meet a long time ago, but he always put it off. Someone so perfect was above him.

And now he knows Juha is just an ordinary human, and that makes it somehow harder.

“I told him about the scar,” he says abruptly. “He felt it when we were in bed together.”

As whips their head around, eyebrows raised. “You slept with your shirt off?”

“He said he was fine with it. I even asked him first.” Jugram ignores the way As is looking at him and the way Cang Du whistles low and sharp. He  _ did _ ask.

“You asked him if you could sleep shirtless next to him and he said yes and you wonder why I get so exasperated when you act like he can’t like you.” As shakes their head in disbelief and defeat and Jugram feels so bad for putting them through this. He knows how hard this is for them, having to be between him and Juha. “He felt the scar? You told him about it?”

“About what my uncle did. A little of it kind of came out and then I told him the rest when he said it was okay.” He’d felt so… Vulnerable in that moment, the way that talking about his uncle makes him. And wonders if he’ll ever feel less raw and exposed about that topic, if it really will heal in time. “He seemed so upset just about that one thing.”

Bazz glances back at him over his shoulder. “It’s good, though, that he cares. Wouldn’t want him not to. Now get your head on straight and tell him how much you love him.”

He should. He needs to. Putting it off like this is making him look bad in front of everyone.

The mountain has natural plateaus and the area they reach is one of them, fenced in by humans so that people can come up here and take in the impressive view. Everything is lightly frosted and glittering in the sunlight, the trees like works of art sprouting up from the ground. There is a town in the far distance that you can barely see, one that looks so much farther away than the drive makes it. It looks like the inside of a snow globe up here, and Jugram always loves to just look. Some nights when he was restless, he walked up here.

Juha stops at the fence and rests gloved hands on top of it, and his expression is… He looks unhappy. That more than anything has Jugram walking up to him, pretending to be taking in the view as he comes to stand next to him, hands in his pockets.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye.

“Just having a moment. It’s really pretty up here.” Juha clears his throat, and the sound is wet. Jugram is alarmed instantly. Is he trying not to cry? “I’m just cold and tired, I guess.”

Gently, Jugram slips an arm around his shoulders and pulls him up against his side. “Hey, it’s all right. Just take a few deep breaths. We’ll be going back down the mountain soon.”

“Yeah. I know. I just, I don’t know. Having a moment. It’s nice up here, though. It’s like a winter painting or something.” Juha swipes at his eyes and Jugram pulls him a little closer, rubbing a hand up and down his arm. “I’m really sorry about what your uncle did.”

Oh. This is what he’s having a moment about. “You don’t need to be so upset over that.”

“I don’t really have that much family other than my dad but he’d never do anything like that to me, and I just… Started thinking about that on the walk up. Because it was quiet and my thoughts just.” Juha waves a hand, and Jugram understands what he means.

“Your father is going to be okay. He’s going to wake up. I’m sure of it.” Jugram has no right to say these things, but it feels awful not to say anything. To let him suffer silently instead of offering him some form of comfort. “I’m sorry if I dredged it up for you.”

Juha shakes his head. “Don’t be. I meant it when I said I wanted you to tell me things.”

“Can I tell you something else?” Jugram waits for Juha to look up at him. “The view is very nice, yes, but it doesn’t really compare to your face. Not even a little bit.”

There is a long moment where he thinks that might have been  _ too _ cheesy but then Juha twists his head away and smashes a hand over his mouth— And he’s giggling into the glove, his shoulders trembling slightly with it. Jugram watches him and feels a stupid smile touch his lips, proud of himself for being able to calm Juha down. He doesn’t want him to cry, not if he can afford to do anything about it. Not if he can change it in any way.

“You’re really nice.” Juha looks up at him, and his eyes aren’t wet anymore, so that is a victory as far as Jugram is concerned. “It’s dumb for me to get so emotional over something that happened to you maybe but it just seems so unfair that it happened.”

“Sometimes bad things happen and it isn’t fair. But we grow from those. We survive. Scars don’t form on people who are dead.” Jugram cups his chin. He has such a pretty face, really. “It was nice waking up with you in my arms. I’d like to do that again. More often.”

Juha stares at him for a moment, then clears his throat. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean I like you. I’m attracted to you.” Jugram lets go of his face and steps back, and Juha turns to look up at him, back braced against the fence behind him. Against the scenery, he’s impossibly more beautiful. Jugram is so lucky to get to look at him. “I have been for a while now. And I’d like to get to know you in a romantic sense.”

“Oh.” Juha stares at him for a long moment, lips slightly parted around the exhale of a word before he looks down at his own feet. “That’s… You really just said that, huh?”

“Yes, I did. I’ve been dancing around it, and childishly. I should have told you as soon as I knew I wanted to be with you.” He stretches out a hand to touch Juha’s cheek, gently tilting his face up so their eyes meet once more. “As asked you because they wanted to spend time with you, of course. But they also were tired of listening to me talk about how much I liked you but kept making excuses to get out of plans to meet you.”

Slowly, Juha bites down on his lower lip, dragging his teeth across it. “You didn’t want to meet me, huh? That’s… I don’t really know how to take that, actually.”

Jugram shakes his head. “It wasn’t you. It was me. You’re perfect, and I just didn’t think it’d do me any good to pursue you. I thought you were too good for me.”

“I thought the same thing. We’re both stupid. As is probably so mad at both of us.” Juha’s voice quivers faintly and Jugram steps closer to him, until the two of them are nearly touching one another. “Are you being serious? Because if you’re not I will actually leave.”

“I wouldn’t joke about something like that and hurt you.” Jugram leans past him, braces his hands on the railing so Juha is caged in by his arms. “I really do want to be with you.”

Juha nods against his chest and then leans into him. “Can you just give me a minute?”

“Yes.” Jugram cances it and kisses the top of his head. “I’ll give you all the time you need.”

For a moment, Juha says nothing. He just fists a hand in Jugram’s coat and leans into him, standing there, their bodies pressed so closely together it’s everything Jugram always wanted. This morning felt unreal, like it was too perfect. He’d woken up to Juha in his arms where he’d been wanting him, and Juha was so gentle, so kind, so compassionate. His heart bloomed like a flower and Jugram wanted to bury his face in the sweet-smelling petals.

He never wants to stop. He wants to stay just like this with him for the rest of his life.

When Juha leans back to look up at him, his eyes are still a little wet, and the end of his nose is a little pink. But he isn’t crying properly, not yet. “I really love you. I want to be with you, too. I’m a little freaked out because I’ve never done this before, but…”

“It’s okay.” Jugram kisses him on the forehead, and Juha makes a choked noise at that. But he doesn’t pull away, he just squeezes his eyes shut. “I’m here. I’ll help you figure it out.”

“Okay. Then… Then yeah, I. I want to be with you, too, to be your boyfriend. If that’s okay.” Juha almost chokes on the word. He’s so unpracticed at this, so unused to it that it makes Jugram want to protect him and hug him all at once. He’s precious. It’s uncanny.

Instead, Jugram cups his chin and leans down to kiss him like he’s been wanting to.

Juha’s lips are so soft and they open just a little against his own, a soundless gasp that he brushes away before pressing them both together. They  _ fit _ together, he realizes, and he feels so unbelievably foolish for making them both wait this long. So he shows that, pulling Juha away from the railing and against his chest, wrapping him up in his arms as he kisses him, coaxing his lips open a little more and pulling him up just a little, up against his chest. He fits there perfectly, like he was made to stand in Jugram’s arms.

Maybe they were made to be with each other just like this. He certainly hopes so.

Juha is a clumsy kisser but it’s sweet and meaningful and Jugram eats it up, and he’s glad to know no one else has ever hurt him. That he can be the one who teaches him what it’s like to be loved unconditionally by someone who sees the stars in your eyes.

“ _ Finally, _ ” Bazz half-yells when he leans back to let Juha breathe. “It’s about  _ time. _ ”

“It is,” Jugram agrees, and Juha just kind of smiles and presses his face against his chest, hands clinging to Jugram’s biceps. “I’ve got so much time to make up for.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 updates in one day I HOPE Y'ALL LIKE IT


	9. Chapter 9

When they return to the cabin, Juha has three missed calls and one voicemail on his phone.

Service in the mountains is not fantastic and higher up, there was nothing. He counts himself lucky as he sits down on the edge of the bed, staring down at the name he knows too well, a name he has come to despise with every fiber of his being.  _ Hyosube Ichibei. _ The man served as his father’s partner in business and promised to keep an eye on Juha should anything ever happen— And something had. Juha still believes to this day that solemn promise cursed his father in some way to lead to this situation.

Ichibei is a snake, a liar, and only tries to divide Juha from his father’s company a little more every day. He has all of his father’s stake should anything happen to him, and right now he controls it and could sign it away to someone else if he wanted. And Ichibei  _ does. _

He taps Voicemail and enters in his passcode, wincing uncomfortably at the familiar sound of the wrong name in the bastard’s voice. This is normal; Ichibei only called him by his name in front of his father but switched to Juha’s dead name as soon as he could, making it perfectly clear what he thinks of him and how much he respects him.

_ If you think I’m going to hand my father’s company over to you when you treat me like garbage you scrape off of your shoe, I’ve got news for you. _

The voicemail is nothing important, just Ichibei being annoyed Juha left campus without telling him where he was going as if Juha still has to answer to him. If he was a minor, it might be different, but he’s past the age of majority and can take care of himself.

As soon as he mashes the seven key to delete the message, As appears in his bedroom doorway. “Oh, that’s a mean expression. Did the old bastard call to bother you?”

“He left a voicemail. I think he called while we were up on the mountain.” Juha sets his phone on the nightstand, done with it for the day. “It was pretty up there. Nice view.”

With a delicate touch, As shuts the bedroom door and comes to sit next to him, their hands resting on their knees as they study his face intently. “So… Jugram, hmm?”

“Yeah. He. Yeah.” Juha rubs his hands over his face, trying to cover the ridiculous smile spreading slowly across his lips and the slight flush rising in his cheeks. “He kissed me.”

“That was your first kiss, too, wasn’t it? I hope he made it a good one for you.” As grins at him and Juha whines, covering his face with his hands, hunching in on himself. It was so sudden really; he’d been thinking about Jugram on his walk up with As, only half-listening to their gentle teasing about the sweatshirt, and he’d started thinking about his father…

A lot of thoughts lead back to him these days. It isn’t an easy life to live with.

_ But not as bad of one as Jugram lived. _ The thought is sobering and Juha takes a deep breath and straightens up. “I… How much do you know about him? I don’t want to just out and say something you don’t know and risk upsetting him in the process.”

“If you mean about his uncle, then yeah, I know.” As pulls themself back onto the bed, crossing their legs beneath them, chin resting on their tented fingers. “I’ve seen the scar. We all have. He got drunk one night and told us about it. I think I cried.”

“I was thinking about what he told me on the way up the mountain and it made me think, you know, my dad never would have hit me like that. He loves me too much for it.” Juha presses his lips together and wills himself not to get upset over it again.

As’s face softens. “Yeah, you’ve told me about him a little. So you were getting emotional on the way up? You should have said something and I would have comforted you.”

“I get lost in my head with it sometimes. It’s just… A never-ending cycle once I get led back to it, I guess.” Juha shrugs. He doesn’t know how else to explain it, how sometimes one attempt to fall asleep at night will lead to him curled up in the fetal position smothering quiet sobs into this pillow. “He’s so nice. Jugram is so nice, I just… Wow.”

Soft fingers touch Juha on the cheek and he finds himself glancing up to meet As’s dark eyes. “You deserve this, you know. Don’t tell yourself you don’t deserve him ever.”

“I won’t. I… Part of me, I mean, when he said…” Juha takes a breath and tips his head back, and he wonders if it would have been like this in high school, too, or middle school even. The first crush he never got to have at such a tender age. “He told me he liked waking up together and wanted to do it more, and I asked him what he meant—”

“Which is good. I’m proud of you for not jumping to conclusions or trying to tell yourself that it wasn’t what you thought.” As takes both of his hands in theirs and squeezes so gently, their face so soft. They look so proud of him, it’s hard to meet their eyes.

He swallows hard, and his throat clicks. “And he said he was attracted to me and wanted to date and I just, I don’t know. It’s what I wanted. I can’t believe it happened.”

“I can. I told you Jugram wanted it, too.” As throws their arms around his neck and Juha hugs them back, not really sure what else to do. Everything feels so surreal and uncertain, like the world has a shimmery soap bubble edge that he might pop if he dares to touch it. And all of this would just be another fantasy of his. “Don’t let that asshole ruin your day.”

_ Ichibei. Right. _ “I won’t. Thanks for checking on me. Where’s— Is he downstairs?”

“He was helping with the fire when I came up to find you.” As leans back and kisses him firmly on the forehead. “So come downstairs and sit with us, we’re gonna get warm.”

Askin and Lille have hot tea and sandwiches on the coffee table and everyone is indeed downstairs, either sitting on the furniture or on the floor. Gremmy has taken up the entire loveseat, stretched across it on his stomach with his handheld console in front of him, but he pauses it and looks up the moment Juha is even within sight distance of him. His expression is complicated, to say the least. He looks like he wants to say something.

Finally, he wets his lips and speaks up. “So are you and my brother like  _ dating _ now?”

“Something like that,” Juha says, tugging at the sleeve of Jugram’s sweatshirt. The sleeves are too long, dripping down almost enough to cover his fingers. “Why?”

“Just thought I’d check. He hasn’t dated anyone in a while so I was curious. Uh, like… Be good to him, I guess.” Gremmy goes back to his game and Juha breathes a sigh of relief.

Cang Du is on the couch and he pats his lap; As takes a graceful seat there, the two of them curling up close together less likely because they want to get warm and more likely because they want to be close to one another. As whispers something that Juha can’t quite make out, but there’s no missing the way Cang Du smiles, bumping their foreheads together, the corners of his eyes crinkling just a little. As always has this way of making him smile that no one else does, and Juha is always amazed by that.

He walks around the coffee table and hovers beside where Jugram is sitting on the floor in front of the fire, curling socked toes into the thick shag. “Is this seat taken?”

“It’s reserved,” Jugram tells him, and he falters. “For you. Come sit next to me.”

_ Oh. Duh. _ Juha takes a cup of tea for himself and sits down carefully, taking a sip of it. It warms him all the way through and he sighs contentedly. “Sorry. Had to check my voicemail and then decided I didn’t want my phone on me for the day.”

Jugram hums thoughtfully and takes a sip of his own tea. “I don’t blame you. Hard to want to be connected to the rest of the world when it’s so nice and quiet up here.”

“And there are… Better things than social media to keep up with,” Juha adds softly.

Slowly, Jugram sets his now empty cup down on the carpet and turns to look at him, and the firelight adds warm tones to his green eyes. It’s a dynamic change. “I agree,” he says, and Juha has to try very hard to remain sitting upright instead of slinking away in horrible shyness. “And there are so many things I want to learn about you.”

“I have a lot to learn about you, too.” Juha finishes his tea and sets his cup aside and can’t help but steal a little glance over Jugram’s shoulder to where Cang Du and As are cuddling. On the other side of the room, Askin is perched on the arm of Lille’s chair, feet resting in his lap while Lille keeps him balanced with an arm around his waist.

Everything is so easy and casual between them, and Juha wants that level of comfort.

He scoots closer until his hip bumps against Jugram’s and sneaks an arm around his waist, very aware of the tightly-packed muscle beneath his forearm. Jugram is built and has likely been working very diligently on his body over the years to get this far. “This okay?”

“Very much so, yes.” Jugram chuckles softly and mimics him, his own arm coming to rest around Juha’s shoulders. “I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you how I felt.”

“I mean, I’m not innocent. I had a crush on you, too.” Admitting it makes him feel like he must be thirteen years old, but the way Jugram’s mouth twitches up into a smile makes it hard for him to want to beat himself up about it as much as he should.

Jugram leans down and kisses him on the forehead, and  _ oh. _ His lips are so soft and smooth, and Juha feels heat climb up the back of his neck. “We’re both idiots about love then.”

“Love can be hard,” Juha says, and Jugram leans down to kiss him on the bridge of the nose, which startles a small squeak out of him. “Sorry. What are you—”

“I’ve wanted to kiss you for a while. I’m just humoring myself. Is that okay?” Jugram’s expression is serious and Juha blinks at him before nodding because of course it is.

This time, Jugram leans down and kisses him on the lips, and it takes no less of his breath away than it did the first time. Juha has never kissed anyone before, because who would he kiss? He didn’t trust anyone to do this, just this. He didn’t trust anyone enough for something so small and gentle and soft and now he thinks it must feel absurdly more important. But Jugram kisses him with a tender skill, fingers brushing along the side of his jaw, lips moving slowly and sweetly against his own. It’s dizzying.

He’d imagined it. He just never had any kind of reality to compare to this.

“This is nice,” Jugram says against his mouth, and Juha makes a small noise in response. It feels like several of the cables in his brain have been unplugged. “I wanted it to be just like this, just sitting in front of the fire. Are you warm? I hope the sweatshirt helps.”

“I’m incredibly warm, don’t worry.” Juha stretches a hand up and tentatively touches Jugram’s cheek, and he’s a little stunned by how Jugram closes his eyes and leans into it.  _ Oh, he’s so beautiful. _ “You’ve already helped me so much…”

Jugram turns his head and mouths a kiss against Juha’s palm. “Good. I’m happy about that.”

Their lips meet again in another slow kiss and Juha lets his hand stay on Jugram’s cheek, then slides it up experimentally into his hair. It’s so unbelievably soft and smooth against his fingers, just like he thought it might be when he saw how glossy it was in the harsh winter sunlight. He’s too focused on that, fingers tracing the line of Jugram’s scalp, that he jumps a little when Jugram cups the back of his neck, rough fingers warm against his skin, drawing him just a little closer. Their thighs press tight together.

“You two should get a room,” Askin quips, and Juha pulls back from the kiss. “It’s cute in a gross way. I love young love. It’s totally in this year alongside all that self-love shit.”

“You’re vile.” Jugram rolls his eyes and Askin flips him off with a smile in return.

Juha leans in to kiss him again regardless, and Jugram responds just as eagerly as before.

He remembers Jugram saying he had time to make up for, and it certainly feels like it in more ways than one. It’s a sentiment Juha understands and shares. Not just the time he missed out where the two of them could have dated, but dating in general. Falling in love. Having a normal life. And it feels… Easy with Jugram. Like kissing him is as natural and easy as breathing, as if their lips were made to fit together.

Even though he might be clumsy, he’s always been a quick study.

Eventually, though, Jugram does lean away from him. His lips look a little swollen and his eyelids are heavy. “You really are a wonder. I wasted too much time not talking to you.”

“I’m not always a friendly person right away.” Juha leans into him, lets his head fall against Jugram’s shoulder. He has such broad shoulders, strong and supportive, and he kisses the top of Juha’s head gently. “I think it’s okay. We can make up for lost time together.”

“I’d like that.” Jugram links their fingers together and squeezes gently.

Juha tilts his head a little and kisses the side of Jugram’s neck. “So tell me about—”

“Nianzol just texted me.” Askin says this like it means something, and the air in the room changes; Juha notices it. It’s subtle but there and you learn to read a room when you have to, and something is off now. Next to him, Jugram is quiet. “Asking about coming up.”

As sighs softly and unfolds themself from where they’ve been wrapped around Cang Du, who just responds but tucking his face into their neck with a displeased sound. “I thought you blocked his number? I should have known you’d unblock in a moment of weakness.”

“Well, you know. Yeah.” Askin sighs and sets his phone down on his lap, slipping an arm around Lille’s shoulders. “I mean look, it was ugly on every side, you know? And he did apologize like three weeks ago, it was really sweet. He showed up at the apartment—”

Lille cuts him off. “In the rain, yes, and you felt bad and let him in and by the time I got back from class, you were having coffee together. You should have texted me—”

“So you could leave class early? I don’t think so.” Askin puts a hand over his mouth when Lille tries to speak. “So yeah, he apologized and we made up and everything is fine now.”

Bazz makes the most disbelieving and obnoxious hooting sound Juha has ever heard; Jugram chuckles next to him. “Since when the fuck is everything fine? Remember when you got smashed right after the breakup and said you wanted to key his car? You said—”

“I  _ didn’t _ key his car, though, that’s the important thing, and besides… It was probably a little my fault. Maybe, possibly.” Askin shrugs a shoulder; Juha frowns at Jugram because he doesn’t understand what’s going on, and Jugram pecks him on the lips and murmurs to him that he’ll explain later. “So he wants to know if he can come up to the cabin.”

“Is he gonna sleep on the couch?” Bazz asks. “We don’t have a spare bed. The inn is full.”

Askin wrinkles his nose at him. “Tasteless. And probably. He usually sleeps on the floor.”

“Do we  _ want _ him up here?” As asks, and Askin makes a face at them. He’s very expressive, Juha thinks. “I mean, the last time I saw you two talking to each other, it was not pretty. And because I respect you as my friend, I did not  _ pry _ into the details—”

“Mistakes were made on all sides but mostly like not Lille’s side. He wasn’t involved.” Askin tries for a smile and Lille just thunks his head into the back of the chair. “Look, he doesn’t even do anything during the holidays. And I can always kick him out if things go wrong even if it’s snowing. The freak loves winter, I’m sure he’d love to be caught in a blizzard.”

Cang Du lifts his head from As’s neck. “If you want him to be here, I don’t see why not, but if you two are just going to bicker, then hell no. This is supposed to be a nice trip.”

“He’ll behave,” Askin promises, but no one sounds as if they believe that.

“Drama is on the way.” Jugram stands up and picks a few sandwiches off of the table, then holds his free hand out to Juha to take, helping him to his feet. “Let’s go upstairs and talk. I want to get to know you, and you want to get to know me. We can talk where it’s quiet.”

Juha doesn’t know what’s going on. He kind of doesn’t want to. “Sounds good to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh no drama also can you guess the name of the royal guard member i hate the most


	10. Chapter 10

When it comes to physical contact, it is not unusual for Jugram to flinch away.

It took him ages to work up the nerve to let his friends touch him on a casual basis, something incredibly difficult for all of them because Bazz and As especially are not used to keeping their hands to themselves. Not that Jugram can blame them. In a world as cold and cruel as the one they all grew up in and suffered in, touch is sometimes the only way to lend any sort of comfort with a meaning and weight attached to it.

Sex was impossible. It might still be, he isn’t sure. The last time he tried, the very moment his partner’s hand landed on his bare thigh, he panicked. He cried. He ended up sitting on the sidewalk outside waiting for Bazz to come pick him up, the wind stinging his wet cheeks and cutting harshly through his clothing. In a way, it was pleasant. He couldn’t feel anything, so numb from the cold air that the memory of the touch faded quickly.

So it took years just to wake up cuddling against one of his friends and not have a mild anxiety attack about where their hands were. He appreciates every little thing he has no, including this, his back leaning easily against Juha’s chest, head resting against his shoulder. They’d ended up this way on the bed together, Juha’s back braced against the pillows and the headboard, his arms wrapped around Jugram’s broad shoulders.

“S’nice,” Jugram manages, his head a little fuzzy around the edges. He should probably find another therapist and talk through his touch starvation issues at some point.

Juha hums softly, fingers tracing invisible designs along Jugram’s bicep. “It is. Comfy?”

“Of course. I’m not crushing you, am I?” Jugram glances up at him, though his eyelids are heavy. Part of him just wants to fall asleep like this.

“Nope.” Juha kisses him on the forehead and Jugram’s heart seizes in his chest, smacking against his ribs like a bird struck dumb by a bright shaft of sunlight in its eyes. “You said you wanted to learn more about me. Where did you want to start with that?”

Jugram admittedly didn’t think very far ahead. He just has no desire to be downstairs when Nianzol shows up because he doesn’t want to see the look on Lille’s face when he appears once again.  _ How long has it even been? _ “Anything you want to tell me.”

“There’s not that much. I’m not that interesting,” Juha says, and Jugram snorts because  _ how _ can he not be interesting when Jugram has been thinking about him so much? “I learned archery from my father when I was little. He used to do it to de-stress after work and sometimes if I wasn’t at school, I’d get to come along and watch. I wanted to try.”

The thought of Juha as a child holding a bow in his hands is beyond adorable, and Jugram’s heart aches. “That’s very sweet. The two of you must be really close.”

“Does it bother you if I talk about him?” Juha asks, his voice soft and gentle.  _ So _ gentle.

“Not at all. I was never very close with my parents, so it doesn’t hurt me to think about them.” It might have had something to do with the afternoon his father walked in on him and a neighborhood boy experimentally kissing on his bed, but there is no reason to talk about that now. “Gremmy is the only family that I really consider my own.”

“It’s good you two have each other. He seems to care a lot about you. He told me to make sure I treated you well.” Juha squeezes his shoulder, and Jugram smiles.

“Our lives weren’t easy. I mostly just tried to shield him from my uncle until I was old enough to take him away.” Not that  _ that _ was easy, either, but Jugram was brave enough at eighteen to make a point. And Gremmy wanted to leave with him anyway.

Juha is quiet and Jugram tilts his head to look up at him, at the lines of his profile and the set of his lips. They’re still a little swollen from kissing, and if the angle wasn’t so awkward, Jugram would kiss him now just to take that thoughtful, solemn expression off of his face. They should be having a nice afternoon together, and instead it’s like this.

“I’m sorry your childhood was so bad,” Juha finally says, and Jugram winces slightly. Pity never really makes him feel better about it. “But you must have loved your brother so much to take care of him like that. You’re a really good person.”

_ Oh. _ Jugram swallows a little, a small knot forming in his throat. “I think I’m average.”

“I think you’re an angel,” Juha says immediately, and Jugram squeezes his eyes shut, a hot flush climbing up his neck.  _ Oh, _ it’s unfair just how much this boy can undo him.

“Tell me more about you.” He stretches a hand up, clasping it around Juha’s forearm. Holding him back the only way he can in this position. He doesn’t want to let him go, childishly. He wants him to stay this close. “I want to know everything there is to know.”

Juha sighs softly and cuddles against his back, his cheek resting against Jugram’s hair. “I like indie music that’s really soothing to listen to and I usually fall asleep listening to it because someone on the floor of my dorm constantly has a party going on.”

“You should play more of it for me some time,” Jugram says, and Juha nods a little.

“I’m doing well in all of my classes but business is obviously the most important one to me because I want to be ready to take care of my father’s company if I have to.” His voice catches a little and Jugram tilts his head, nuzzling against his throat.  _ Deep breaths, baby, please don’t cry. _ “But I don’t really want to run the company. Not  _ really, _ anyway.”

That has Jugram tilting his head to look at Juha properly, curious suddenly. He’d only known him as someone who seemed to be trying hard to do just that, getting so wrapped up in that future. “What do you really want to do, then? Like, if you could choose?”

“Find a nice apartment. Get a dog or two. Just live life quietly with someone I love.” Juha presses his chin down into Jugram’s shoulder a little. “Maybe start a family. I didn’t have any siblings growing up, and I just had my father. No one else, really, and that was great, but I just… I don’t know. And my father is good to me. It makes me think sometimes that I could be good to kids. But like, kids I’d adopt. I’m not… I don’t… I just don’t.”

Jugram rubs a hand up and down his forearm gently. “You don’t have to, of course.”

“Of course. Just. Yeah.” Juha shakes his head, then turns it, and he nuzzles into Jugram’s hair just a little. It’s sweet. “What about you? What are you going to do with your life?”

“My uncle’s only place-holding the company for me until I’m ready to run it myself, but I also. I just don’t want to. I don’t like business.” And if he’s being honest, he doesn’t mind the idea of having a family instead. Something stable and warm to come home to each day.

Not the business that would have put his father in an early grave if the car accident didn’t.

“So I’m studying business but I’m not committed to it because part of me is hoping that, like, someone comes along and wants to buy the business out from under me. Someone who’d be good to all the employees.” Because a part of him feels responsible for them even though most of them are older than him, and have lives, and know more about the work than he does. And he’s so scared to fuck that up for them. “But if that never happens, then I guess I own the business and I have to take care of it.”

Juha makes a soft noise of sympathy in his ear. “That sucks. I’m sorry you feel so pressured to do it. It’s not fair to you at all.”

“It’s the same way with you, though, isn’t it? You’re working hard because you have to.” Which also sucks, because Juha has  _ enough _ on his plate without all of that.

“Yeah. This conversation went a bit weird, hmm?” Juha hums against his ear and Jugram shivers because that feels nice. “I guess we have a lot in common, though. I think you’re supposed to have things in common with your boyfriend at least.”

_ Boyfriend. _ Jugram’s heart sits up and takes notice of that. Juha is going to be the death of him. “Let’s have nicer things in common. Why don’t you play some music?”

“I should have brought my speaker dock with me. We could be using it,” Juha says.

Jugram doesn’t  _ want _ to peel himself away from the mattress, but he does anyway so he can stick his head out the door and yell downstairs. “Gremmy! You bring your speaker dock?”

“Don’t I always bring my dock?” Gremmy yells back, and he appears at the foot of the stairs a moment later, looking suitably pissed that he’s been disturbed. He was probably on a streak or something, his console still held in one hand. “Why?”

“Can I borrow it?” Jugram asks, and he can lower his voice now that they’re closer.

Gremmy huffs a breath and takes the stairs two at a time, shoving open his bedroom door and emerging with his speaker dock in hand a moment later, shoving it into Jugram’s hands. “If you break it, you have to replace it.” Then he lowers his voice. “Are things, like, okay?”

“Things are great,” Jugram promises him, and he ruffles Gremmy’s hair, much to his little brother’s annoyance. Why he’s annoyed is beyond Jugram; his hair is always a mess. “Thanks. Go enjoy your game and try to stay out of the grown-up drama if you can.”

Of course, Gremmy smacks his hand away. “I will. Don’t break my speaker dock.”

It’s incredibly sweet that he’s worried at all, and Jugram sends him off downstairs and sets the dock up on the dresser for Juha to slot his phone into. He fiddles with it for a few minutes and Jugram thinks he really is handsome, reaching out to brush a few curls away that have tumbled down his forehead. He has such a nice face and lips and those big mysterious crimson eyes that Jugram just loves to sit and study. He’s gorgeous.

And Jugram is  _ gone _ and there is nothing he can really do about that.

Juha sets his phone up on the dock and soft music starts playing in the room, filling the space with a soothing melody that speaks to Jugram’s soul. “I really love this song.”

“It already sounds pretty.” Jugram considers dragging him back to bed to cuddle, but changes his mind. “Do you dance? I had to take lessons. For parties, you know.”

“I do.” Juha looks slightly startled by the question, but takes a breath and calms down. And he holds out a hand that Jugram takes to pull him closer, wrapping his arms around him. “This is so cheesy but I guess I have to make up for all the cheesy relationships I missed out on in high school. That’s a tall order for you to fill, you know.”

Jugram laughs and leans down to kiss him. “At least we have plenty of time for that.”

He thinks about how much he missed out in high school, too, how he pushed himself too hard too fast to be normal when he still had so many open, bleeding wounds to tend to first. How he pushed himself when he first started university because he should have been over it by then, somehow, impossibly. Jugram was cruel to himself because he only knew how to be cruel to himself, and it took his friends and his therapist to stop him from making at least a thousand mistakes that would have left him broken to function anymore.

How he danced around the idea of telling the beautiful archer who was friends with his friend that he wanted to fall in love with him. Because Jugram has never known how to be nice to himself the way he should be, and he is still learning that basic kindness.

Juha sets a hand on his shoulder and lets Jugram hold the other, and they waltz slowly around the room, having to avoid their own suitcases still on the floor. It’s nice. The music is nice, the room is warm and toasty, and the view out of the window is perfect. It isn’t a first date— he  _ needs _ to think of how to make a proper first date out here— but it’s nice, and the way Juha smiles at him and turns his head away a little makes him feel good.

Something this simple is nicer than it has any right to be, than Jugram knew it could be. Maybe if he’d started slow in the very beginning, he wouldn’t still be a little fractured.

They dance through a few songs together before Juha lets go of his hand, curling his fingers against the back of Jugram’s neck and pulling him down for a kiss. The height difference between them is not so severe that he  _ has _ to pull Jugram down as far as he does, but Jugram doesn’t mind. Sets a hand in the curve of his waist and kisses him like he’s wanted to kiss him, slow and smooth and easy and with everything he has.

“You have a nice mouth,” he says, and Jugram laughs. He’s heard that compliment before, just… Not usually in an innocent context. And usually, it makes him want to die.

“Thank you.” He kisses Juha again, cupping his chin to draw him just a little closer. “For someone who talks like he doesn’t have any experience, you learn very fast.”

Juha huffs at him, warm breath fanning against Jugram’s lips. “I’m just keeping up.”

“You’re doing very well at that.” Jugram nibbles on his lower lip just a little and Juha shudders against him, a full-body quiver. “Even if you were bad at it, I wouldn’t mind.”

“You’re sappy. It’s cute.” Juha’s fingers slip into the hair at the back of his neck and Jugram closes his eyes. Such small, easy touches are so much for him, and they feel so good. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do tomorrow morning if they wake up in each other’s arms again after this. Not when he  _ knows _ he’s allowed to kiss him.

“ _ You’re _ cute,” he manages instead, and Juha kisses him so suddenly it shocks him.

They end up sitting on the bed again, certainly not because Jugram’s knees are  _ weak. _

He keeps track of his hands, one cupped over Juha’s hip through the thick denim of his jeans and the other splayed across his shoulder blades. He can feel the muscles moving there when Juha leans in, when Juha touches him; he’s  _ strong _ . He’s pretty and not all that tall and looks on the slender side but archery has hardened the muscles through his arms and shoulders and Jugram enjoys feeling the way they shift and stretch.

But his hands stay there in two neutral places. He knows how it feels to have someone touch him somewhere that he isn’t comfortable with. It’s awful. It’s terrifying.

Even without being told, Juha is careful where he puts his hands.  _ Experience? _ Jugram doesn’t know, but his hands are gentle. Touching his back, his shoulders, his arms, palm flattening against his collarbone but not going any lower on his chest. And every kiss unfurls warm and soft inside of him, curling through his insides gently.

When the music changes to something just a little bit more upbeat, Juha drags him back to his feet. By the time someone is knocking on their bedroom door, the sun is already creeping toward the horizon, the sky taking on a pinkish hue. Have they been up here all  _ day? _ Jugram hardly noticed that time was passing in the first place.

Cang Du is on the other side of the door and he wings his eyebrows up when Jugram answers the door, which means he probably looks a bit disheveled. “Did I interrupt?”

“Of course not,” Jugram says smoothly. “Are we getting ready to eat or something?”

“Yeah. And uh. Nianzol showed up like an hour ago but As said to just leave you two alone and you could just find out later.” Cang Du rubs the back of his neck, and Jugram hums in sympathy. It must have been awkward. “Lille’s making chicken. We all good with that?”

Jugram nods and Juha appears at his side, tucking up against him. “Chicken’s fine.”

“If no one’s using the shower, I’m going to take a quick one before dinner,” Juha says.

“You’re good to use it. As and I showered this morning. Y’know, conserve water.” Cang Du smiles wickedly and Jugram groans audibly. He does  _ not _ want to know about them having sex in the shower. It’s going to make washing up from now on  _ so _ awkward.

“Okay, cool.” Juha leans up to kiss Jugram on the cheek and goes back into the bedroom, most likely to gather up whatever he needs for his shower, and Jugram’s face burns.

Cang Du gives him a Look that strikes Jugram right in the core, one that he knows well. “Anyway, come downstairs and make Nianzol feel welcome, I guess. Everything is awkward and everything sucks but we gotta get through dinner one way or another.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh hey look who's remembering to update things.


	11. Chapter 11

When Juha comes downstairs, everyone is gathered together in the kitchen while Lille and Askin finish cooking the rest of the food, standing so close together their hips bump once or twice. Predictably, Gremmy is on the console in his hands, but he looks up enough to wave hello when Juha steps into the room, changed into a fresh t-shirt and pants and the hoodie Jugram is letting him borrow. It’s too big, and it makes him feel small, but it smells like Jugram and so he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to take it off.

Jugram tilts his head just enough before the corner of his mouth twitches up in a knowing smile. “You didn’t take as long as Cang Du and Bazz were betting that you were.”

“How was I supposed to know I was wrong?” Bazz complains. “Pretty boys take a thousand years in the fucking shower. I’ve stayed over with you, Jugo, I know.”

“He has a lot more hair than I do,” Juha protests, and Jugram smiles openly at him, sliding the chair at his side out enough for Juha to sit down. “I feel bad for not helping set the table or anything, but I really just wanted to get a shower in.”

An unfamiliar voice from across the table startles him. “No need to worry, darling, I’m the one who set the table in the first place. The rest of them didn’t help at all.”

The new face at the table must be Nianzol Weizol, the one everyone has been dancing around talking about since Askin said he wanted to come up with them. To Juha, he looks… Perfectly normal, all things considered. In a monochrome fair isle sweater with sleeves that pool around his fingertips and bright golden eyes set into a rather average but pretty face, Nianzol seems nondescript. It’s… Almost hard to imagine Askin would be  _ interested. _

Without missing a beat, Askin’s leg shoots back, and Nianzol jolts in his chair. “Don’t be like that, they would have helped if you let them. It was smart to get in a shower when you could, doll, we’re going to have a hell of a time sharing as time goes by.”

“It was a joke.” Nianzol rolls his eyes but pick up the glass in front of him, taking a sip from its contents. “You never know how to take jokes. So, you’re Juha Bach?”

Juha nods, not really sure what he should say or if he should say anything at all given the circumstances. “That’s me. You’re Nianzol, right? Askin mentioned your name.”

“That would be correct. Sorry to trouble you by coming up at the last minute, but I had some crossed plans that didn’t work out and I missed spending time with everyone.” When Nianzol smiles, the expression is strained; Juha is not sure he wants in on any of this.

“No matter what anyone says, we’re happy to have you here.” Lille’s voice is soothing and deep, and when Nianzol smiles this time, it’s much more genuine. It lights up his eyes just a touch; they look like sunlight. “Juha, Jugo said you were good with chicken, right?”

Immediately, Juha straightens up a little. “Of course. Who doesn’t like chicken?”

“Vegetarians,” Gremmy says immediately, whining when Cang Du leans across the table to snipe his console. “Give me that back! If I don’t save my progress I have to do the level all over again, and this is the farthest I’ve gotten so far!”

“Then stop being a shithead to people,” Cang Du says back, and Gremmy scowls up at him.

While Cang Du returns the stolen console, As favors Juha with a small smile. “Cang Du said you two looked awfully cozy upstairs. I’m glad everything’s working out so far.”

“Thanks.” Juha brushes off the slight heat rising up the back of his neck and instead drops his hand on Jugram’s knee, smiling up at him. “It’s been a really good day today.”

When Jugram leans down to kiss him in front of everyone, Juha lets him, tilting his head back a little to make the angle as perfect as he can. Kissing Jugram feels as natural as breathing, a far cry from Juha’s odd fantasy or two about being with him. Once, he told himself that he’d probably never want to be romantic with anyone in public because of the ostracization, of the way his partner would be treated just for being  _ seen _ with him.

Privately, he never wanted to imagine losing someone because the stress of being with him was too much for them to handle. It already seems like asking so much.

But Jugram cups his face and kisses him more, and he feels good about this. Better than he has about anything else, certainly. This is a far cry from being out in a public place but he feels so safe and warm right here with these people that it almost doesn’t matter.

“It’s nice to see you coming out of your shell,” Jugram murmurs against his lips, low enough that Juha is sure he’s the only one who’s heard. “And I like being able to kiss you.”

“I like it when you kiss me.” And it’s true. Nothing could ever be as true as this.

How many times growing up did he wonder what his first kiss would be like, and with who? So many people hit that milestone before him— Fumbling, uncertain kisses at parties or in shadowy corners of the schoolyard. Juha could never really envision any certain person, and even a fleeting interest or two was quickly snuffed when he remembered just how unlikely it would be for anyone to be interested in someone like him.

And to have it be the man sitting in front of him… The odds must be astronomical.

Bazz makes a noise in the back of his throat. “Great. Another couple just as sappy as Cang Du and As. That’s  _ just _ what I wanted to deal with for the rest of this trip.”

Without turning around, Jugram lifts a hand to flip him off. “Deal with being blue-balled for the rest of the trip since you couldn’t seal the deal with Grimmjow in time.”

“Wow. Harsh, but fair.” Bazz raises his glass to him. “Hey, loverboy, then get up and get your boyfriend a drink since none of us knew what to get him.”

“Soda’s fine,” Juha says, and Jugram kisses him on the cheek before he stands up.

Nianzol’s eyes trace Jugram’s movements around the table before settling on Juha once more. “I’ve never seen him so mushy soft with someone before. That’s a talent you have, there. Last I checked, I don’t think anyone thought Jugo would have a partner.”

The cryptic tone of those words makes Juha’s stomach feel funny, and not in an entirely pleasant way. “Well, I’m glad to see that’s not the case. I really like Jugram a lot.”

“I can tell. It’s really sweet, actually, I’m happy for you both.” Nianzol reaches for his hands across the table and Juha lets him have them, used to the touchy behavior from As but not really from this veritable stranger. Still, he can roll with the punches. “It’s nice to meet you, too. Askin told me a little bit about you on the phone, but he made you sound like a good person, and if you make Jugram smile like that, then that’s all that matters.”

The oddly touching words from a complete stranger are almost enough to throw Juha off, but he manages a slight smile and nods. “Thank you so much. I have to admit I don’t know that much about you. Up until Askin mentioned you, no one said much.”

“There isn’t much to tell.” Nianzol takes his hands back, and Juha does the same as Jugram comes to sit next to him, setting a can of soda on the table for him next to the glass of ice waiting. “I’m kind of uninteresting. I just fade into the shadows for the most part.”

“It’s true. The first time we ever met, he was standing in the darker corner of the room and I straight up didn’t see him,” As says, and Juha raises an eyebrow, impressed.

His gaze drifts to Askin and Lille once more, and he wonders briefly what story there must be between the three of them. Though he has no desire to see any of it play out in front of him, he can’t help but be a little bit intrigued at the thought that there might be even a small thing there that no one can see with their eyes. Nothing nearly so interesting has ever happened to him before, though he should probably not wish to know details.

Nianzol smiles faintly before dropping his chin into the palm of his hand. “I remember that. You had such an intense look on your face I was sure you hated me right from the start, and I hadn’t even done anything yet. But I was so  _ sure _ of it.”

“The past is the past,” Cang Du says, and As hums softly as they nod, looking up at him with adoring eyes. “When it all comes right down to it, there’s a lot of stupid things we’ve all said and done. But anyway, we’re in the present. So, Nianzol, you were saying about class—”

The chatter around the table is pleasant, and when the food is ready, everyone shuts up so they can pass the plates around the table and make sure everyone has enough. Juha likes this, the calm and cheerful atmosphere, the warmth that shines through the awkwardness. He notes out of the corner of his eye that Nianzol is sitting next to Lille and wonders about that, but decides to save his questions for when he can ask Jugram privately.

Next to him, Jugram shifts closer, their knees bumping together under the table. “Lille’s a great cook, isn’t he? He’s thinking about going to an actual culinary school next year.”

“He should,” Juha agrees easily, and Jugram smiles warmly. “He would definitely get hired by a famous chef or open his own restaurant easy. And we could go on dates.”

Jugram’s eyes crinkle at the corners. “You’re sweet. I’d be more than happy to go.”

When everyone is done eating, Cang Du and Bazz take over loading the dishwasher while the rest of them file into the living room— Though Juha is half-tempted to lead Jugram upstairs just to spend more time with him alone. Instead, they settle down by the fire again, though he finds himself distracted by Nianzol as he walks across the floor to the window, stretching his arms over his head as he peers out at the landscape.

His hair, Juha notices, is very long. It spills down the entirety of his back in a heavy, messy black mass of hair. The sweater is long enough that it falls halfway to his knees, and beneath it are black leggings. It all serves to make him look waspish and small.

“You’re staring,” Jugram murmurs, and Juha quickly averts his eyes. “I’m sorry if you feel dragged into the mess between the three of them. When Nianzol didn’t contact any of us about coming up for this break, I thought he wasn’t going to come at all.”

“I think me posting about it on Instagram might have motivated him.” As sits down on the rug next to them, smoothing out their shirt as they do. It looks suspiciously like one of Cang Du’s band shirts, now that Juha thinks about it. “I don’t know how to feel. If things really blew up with Askin the way they did, then we should all still be pissed at him.”

Jugram shrugs a shoulder in answer. “It is what it is. Askin’s the one who brought up him coming here with us, so I guess they’re over whatever happened now.”

“I suppose so. Askin’s been weird about it all morning so I haven’t been able to get him to tell me what’s up.” As rolls their eyes; Juha just leans into Jugram’s side and decides not to think about it. He has no reason to be mean to Nianzol, so he isn’t going to be.

Gremmy flops down across the couch with console in hand and Nianzol eventually comes to sit on the arm, peeking down at him. “What are you playing this time, kiddo?”

For a moment, Gremmy doesn’t answer. When he looks up at Nianzol, his nose is wrinkled. “What are you even doing here? I thought you and Askin hated each other or something.”

The question is so harsh and sudden that even Jugram flinches in surprise, opening his mouth to likely reprimand his little brother when Nianzol just lifts his hands in a small shrug. “I guess he doesn’t hate me anymore. Do  _ you _ hate me now?”

“I don’t know what happened. I don’t hate anyone.” Gremmy goes back to his game. “It’s  _ Invaders Must Die _ and I’m trying to beat it by the end of vacation.”

Nianzol scrunches up his face. “Gross. I heard the fastest clear time took two weeks.”

“And I’m going to beat that,” Gremmy says firmly. “I’m better at games than that loser.”

“That  _ loser _ is the owner of the company,” Jugram says, but Gremmy scoffs at him.

Nianzol settles into a graceless heap on the floor and watches Gremmy play, and Juha turns back to talking with Jugram and As as the sky outside steadily darkens toward dusk. Cang Du comes to join them, settling in at As’s back and pulling them into his lap, arms locked around their waist, chin resting on their shoulder. The two of them fit together like two puzzle pieces, Juha thinks. Like they wouldn’t make sense without each other.

That’s  _ stupid, _ and he knows it, because As and Cang Du were two whole people before they met each other, and they would be without each other, but just the same. It persists.

“Sleeping arrangements,” Askin says abruptly, and Juha glances over at him. “Sorry, just, Nianzol, where are you going to be sleeping? We didn’t prepare for a guest.”

“I’ll just take the couch. There’s only four bedrooms here anyway and I can count enough people to use them all two to a room.” Nianzol flashes him a thumb and finger circle and goes back to watching Gremmy, apparently hypnotized by the game’s current level.

Lille makes a sound in the back of his throat. “You sure? I don’t remember you being able to sleep that well on a couch. ‘Specially not this one the last time we came up here.”

“People change,” Nianzol says, and there’s something  _ off _ about the way he says it just enough to be noticeable. Enough to make Askin wince just slightly. “I can sleep on the couch, no worries. I even brought the foam pillow I spent way too much on from home, so we’re good. Long as there’s an extra blanket, I’ll be toasty warm.”

Bazz clears his throat a little too loudly. “There’s like, four in the closet in mine and the kid’s room, so you can just. Yeah. You sure you don’t wanna bunk with the kid?”

“I’ll keep him up all night playing video games and no one wants that. I’m good.” Nianzol flashes Bazz the same circle with his fingers and goes back to watching Gremmy.

Juha yawns and Jugram is there a moment later, curling against him all hard muscle and warm skin. “Want to go up to bed? It’s been a hell of a day for both of us.”

“Yeah, I think so.” Juha turns to look up at him and smiles, then shrieks when Jugram picks him up off of the floor like he weighs nothing, holding him bridal style with  _ no _ effort.

“Oh my,” As sing-songs, “the two of you are so cute in the honeymoon stage.”

Jugram flashes them a smile and then carries Juha out of the living room, keeping him buoyed in strong arms with little to no effort. “Does it bother you? If it does, I can set you down. But I thought you might like to be carried over the threshold, so to speak.”

“Well, you’re not wrong. It was just sudden.” Impossibly, Jugram clears the stairs with no issue or trouble, and Juha might be just a little flustered by how strong and capable Jugram really is. “I really can’t say I mind it, though. You take good care of your body.”

“So do you. Archery muscles are nothing to scoff at.” Jugram nudges their door open with his foot and carries Juha all the way over to the bedroom, depositing him down on the bed, a hand skimming down his cheek before he finally pulls himself away, shrugging his shirt off so he can change into pajamas instead. And Juha can’t help but watch him.

He’s gorgeous, graceful and sure of himself, and Juha envies that so much. It takes him a moment to start removing the layers from his body, and he never put his binder back on because he was already kind of pushing it on time in the first place. His hands hover at the bottom of his shirt as he stands, heading for his bag and his pajamas. It isn’t like Jugram doesn’t know. It isn’t like he would  _ care, _ he’s a good person. A really decent man.

Though he’s changed in front of As just once, the anxiety then nearly killed him, and As  _ knows. _ They  _ get it _ . Still, Juha takes a deep breath, shimmies out of the shirt, and goes about changing as if nothing is going on. It’s fine. Jugram isn’t going to judge him for it.

When he turns back around, fully dressed, Jugram is waiting for him on the bed, holding the blankets up for him. “I’m looking forward to waking up wrapped around you again.”

“Let’s not even wait, then.” Juha slides across the mattress and slips his arms around Jugram’s waist, cuddling up against his chest. They have so much time to make up for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like writing this sweet cinnamon fluff


End file.
